Before I start my kwento, lemme show you first what I was wearing yesterday:
Nice my dress. Kailangan lang magbelt because I look preggy without it.
Robin Williams died yesterday. According to TIME.com, the suspected cause of death is suicide due to asphyxia. I googled asphyxia and here’s what I came up with: Asphyxia or asphyxiationis a condition of severely deficient supply of oxygen to the body that arises from abnormal breathing. An example of asphyxia is choking.
I’m really affected by this news.
First because this is Robin Williams, one of the greatest actors in Hollywood. I love him in the movie, Mrs. Doubtfire. He can make you laugh and cry at the same time. Ang galing lang talaga nga taong yan.
Second, he died because of suicide. Apparently he was battling severe depression for quite some time na pala. I am very affected when I hear people committing suicide because of depression. I have been there. I know the feeling. I know how hard and alone someone with depression feels.
I have already written about depression here sa blog ko. It’s something familiar to me and something that I would never want to go through again. This is also the reason why I symphatize with people who have it. Careful lang din ako when I discuss the topic with other people. Bumabalik din kasi ng slight yung feeling. People who have had depression has a big tendency to relapse. Yan ang iniingatan ko ngayon. Ang swerte ko lang because I’ve been through it and I am well informed about it. Being well informed means you know what can trigger it and you know how you can prevent it from happening again. Also, I can say that I am luckier now because I have a better support system. Nakasala na ang mga people na nakapaligid sakin. The people that I have in my life now are the quality ones na lang. Eto yung mga talagang hindi ako iiwan whatever happens.
I noticed that depression, here in our country, is something na hindi masyado iniinda. I hear a lot of people say it like it’s just ordinary. For them depression equals sadness. May hindi lang nakuha na gusto, depressed na agad. Naku mga ateng, that is super far from being depressed. Wala pa sa kalingkingan yan.
When I got depressed in 2005 (clinically depressed sabi ng doctors), literally hindi ako nagsasalita. As in naka-stare out of space lang ako, all day, everyday. Pero sa loob ko, I was talking to myself. Parang I was telling myself that I needed to get better. Ayusin ko ang sarili ko. Have you watched the movie The Host? Ganun ako. Parang may nagsasalita inside me, nagging me to get better. But on the outside, wala akong kabuhay-buhay tingnan.
That time also, I lost interest in everything. I didn’t want to go out. I didn’t want to shop. I can’t sleep. I slept for like only 2 hours,every night. I didn’t want to eat. I remember not eating for days kasi parang everything tasted like paper lang. I survived with just water. Wala ako gustong gawin kung hindi maupo and matulala. I didn’t talk to anybody. As in wala lang. Sa kasagsagan ng time na yun, I weighed only 94 lbs.
The worst part there is that I thought of suicide. Ibang klase ang sapi ng depression kasi it will make you do things talaga that your normal self would do. That time, I just wanted to end everything kasi ang hirap hirap ng feeling na ganun everyday. I went as far as planning it and writing letters to my loved ones. Sorry ako ng sorry sa kanila in those letters. When I was about to do it, hindi ko magawa because it pained me to think about the hurt I was going to cause my loved ones especially to my Mama and Papa. Sabi ko baka hindi kayanin ni Wowa pagnamatay ako. I felt so guilty so after one hour of sitting there and crying, I stopped my attempt to commit suicide.
That is the reason why I really feel for those people who committed suicide. Grabe na talaga the pain that they’re feeling for them to end their life. Before you do it kasi ang dami dami talagang papasok sa isip niyo. The faces of all the people that you love will flash before you. Plus pa yung takot sa Diyos. Madami. Super grabe na the pain that they are feeling to surpass all of that.
Anyways, so I went to a church right after that. As in naka-pambahay lang ako. I just sat there and cried. A woman pitied me when she saw me. Kinausap niya ako. She was battling breast cancer and she was all alone. She gave me a lot of reasons why we shouldn’t give up on life. Siya nga daw may cancer and had nobody pero she was fighting na mabuhay. If she can do it, I can do it too.
I went to see a psychiatrist after that. Depression is a sickness that needs to be treated by a psychiatrist and counselling. Ang labo lang dito sa atin, when someone says that they’re seeing a psychiatrist, akala nasisiraan na ng bait. That is the reason din siguro why some people are hesitant in acknowledging that they are sick and see a doctor for it. Hindi kasi open tayo sa ganyan.
I remember my psychiatrist telling me that depression is not a sign of weakness. We should not be ashamed of it kasi kahit sino daw pwede magkaron ng ganun. It’s treatable. Depression is difficult to explain to those who do not have it. It can be dismissed as merely ka-artehan or ka-dramahan or weakness lang. Depressed people need our support and understanding. We may be saving lives if we do that.
Why am I writing this?
Kasi I want you guys to be aware. If you feel like you have depression, eto ang mga tips ko:
1. Seek professional help.
2. Talk to somebody about it.
3. Surround yourselves with happy people.
4. Have small and attainable goals for the meantime.
4. Do not give up. Wag mawalan ng pagasa.
5. Pray as in super pray talaga.
I believe that those who have gone through depression and survived come out stronger. Totoo yun especially for me. I don’t take things for granted now. I appreciate small things. Mababaw ang kaligayahan ko. Masayahin ako. I’m trying to be positive sa lahat ng bagay.
Depression is a disease that can be treated. Suicide is not an option.
As what Robin Williams (as Lance Clayton) said, “Remember, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem..”