“Science says lasting relationships come down to – you guessed it – kindness and generosity” – source
Eto mga bakla, bago man lang matapos ang love month, I read this really nice article entitled, Science Says Lasting Relationships Come Down To 2 Basic Traits.
No marriage is perfect. I agree. Pero I know nobody wishes to have a broken marriage. I know, kahit yung mga nagseparate diyan or yung mga nagdivorce, they never wanted to end their marriages from the start. Sinong buang ang may gusto nun, right? I know they all did their best to fix things. Lalo na yung mga may mga anak diyan. Malamang talagang they tried everything before they called it quits.
I know also that most of us have read self-help books to help us sustain our relationships. I know, I did. Hindi madali ang buhay mag-asawa and we need all the help that we can get.
Amongst all of the books and articles that I have read, etong ididiscuss ko now ang may pinaka-nagka-impact sa akin. The learnings and results kasi are backed up by science. Hindi siya hinugot just anywhere. They researched and experimented with real people. Pinagaralan nila ang mga bagong kasal and there was follow up years after.
You can read the article by clicking the source link at the top of this post.
Nabasa niyo na?
Ang haba di ba?
To summarize, here are my take aways from reading that article:
One, the more physiologically active the couples are, the quicker the deterioration of the relationship. What does this mean? Pansinin niyo with your partners, pagnagkukwentuhan ba kayo, lagi ba kayong defensive? Defensive in a sense that when you are conversing with your loved ones, do you expect them na babarahin nila kayo agad? Ganown. Dapat pala, kalma lang. There should be trust sa isa’t isa na the other will not mean to say something or to do you any harm. Eh kung lagi kang naka-defense mode na kokontrahin ka, hindi magiging harmonious daw ang relationship. When you feel calm and connected to each other, there will be warmth and affection in the relationship. So ako, nireconcile ko na sa sarili ko na talagang laging naka-sigaw ang asawa ko kahit hindi galit. High pitch lang talaga so dapat hindi ako nagdadamdam pagnaguusap kami.
Two, when your partners request for a connection, you should always turn to them or accommodate them. Ang tawag daw diyan is bidding interaction. You have to meet your partners emotional need may it be affection, attention or shopping needs. Joke.
OFFICEMATE: Eh Ma’am, paano kung napaka-walang kwenta talaga? Katulad kagabi, sabi sa akin nung asawa ko may ikukwento daw siya. Sabi ko ano yun. Nanaginip daw siya kagabi ng pusa. Tapos naging cell phone daw yung ulo. Ganun.
If your husbands converse with you about anything, pansinin niyo sila. Kahit na napaka-walang kwenta niyan. Acknowledge the bid. It has an effect on the marital well being according to the article.
Three, always look for things you can appreciate and say thank you for with your partners rather than looking at their mistakes. In short, maging positive ka and thankful all the time. Hindi pogi ang asawa mo? Eh ano, napakabait naman. Deadma lagi ang asawa mo? Eh ano, good provider naman. He forgets your anniversaries and your birthdays all the time? Eh ano, pogi naman. Bumalik lang tayo dun. Hahaha. But I know you guys get what I mean =)
Four, contempt is the number 1 factor that drives couples apart. I googled what contempt means. Sabi sa Wikipedia, contempt is a feeling that a person or a thing is beneath consideration, worthless or deserving scorn. According to the article, if you treat your partner with contempt, it kills the love in a relationship. Also ha, it also kills your partner’s ability to fight viruses and cancers. Nakakamatay pala ang contempt na yan. So mga mudras, let us not criticize our partners all the time. Hold that tongue of yours. Instead, let us make our partners feel that they are important. Kahit kaya mong buksan yang jar of mayonnaise, ilambing mo na lang sa asawa mo. Even if you know na ikaw pa din talaga ang masusunod, seek the opinion of your partners in important decisions. At least tinanong mo sila di ba and nagkabatuhan ng ideas. More or less, they will be able to feel that you listened to them. Nabigyan sila ng importance in that situation. Yun lang, lagi nga lang talaga tayong mga misis ang tama #alamnanilayun #charot
Five, practice kindness in the relationship. It’s very easy to take for granted your significant other especially if you have been together for the longest time. However, according to the article, it is important for your partners to feel loved, cared for, understood and validated. I-exercise niyo yang kindness na yan. Hindi kayo kind? Don’t you worry, if you practice kindness daw, eventually, lalabas din yan sa katawan niyo. Hindi kind ang partners niyo? Don’t worry again. They said that if someone receives kindness, eventually, they will be kind themselves. Ika nga kay Wowa, “Kesa whine ka ng whine diyan, why don’t you kill him with kindness, anak?”. Remember this, mga muthers. Perfect etong nakuha kong advice sa article na yun: “Neglect creates distance between partners and breeds resentment in the one who is being ignored.”. Isaksak niyo sa baga ng mga mister niyo yan. Better yet, write it down and paste it on the ceiling on his side of the bed. Para paggising niya, yan agad ang makikita niya!
Six, eto makes sense talaga, do not be there daw for each other only during sad times. Partners should also be there with each other during happy times like promotions and happy events. Shared joy daw ang tawag diyan.
Lastly, practice the ACTIVE CONSTRUCTIVE reaction. There are four types of reactions daw: the Passive Destructive, Active Destructive, Passive Constructive and Active Constructive. Here are their difference:
For example, you got promoted and you told your partner about it. Here are the possible replies of your partners:
Passive Destructive: “Ah, talaga?” then does something else.
Active Destructive: “Kaya mo ba yan? Baka mamya mabulunan ka sa trabaho, mahirapan ka and mastress ka.”
Passive Constructive: “Good job.”
Active Constructive: “That’s great! Ang galing mo naman. So ano na ang magiging work mo? Dadami na tao mo? Ano na plans mo for your department?”
See the difference muthers? I’m guilty sometimes of being an active destructive person. Though I have good intentions, hindi healthy pa din ang dating eh. At least now, we’re more sensitive about how we interact with our partners.
Thanks to the people behind these experiments and to the person who wrote the article. Ang taba talaga ng utak niya =)