A lot of people that I see everyday say that I look better. True, I look better because I’m feeling better. I told that also to my therapist when I went to see him last Thursday. We’ll start tapering off na daw my dosage. So instead of drinking it twice a day, once a day na lang daw. And I’ll see him in two weeks so he can assess how I am. I went out of his clinic ng happy.
Last Friday was the first day of my morning free medicine. I started having panic attacks at 9am kasi I was still because I was stuck in traffic. Nawala when I got in the office kasi I did a lot of things. The come lunchtime, I learned that the only child (8 years old) of my former officemate died of Dengue Shock Syndrome. The boy had a fever last Saturday. They brought him to the hospital last Monday. He died last Wednesday.
What the fuck is Dengue Shock Syndrome?!?!?! As if mothers do not worry of billion of things already!
I read about it and got so anxious that I had to call Alvin to calm myself. Does Anika have that? Baka dati when she was confined, baka di lang pneumonia sakit niya? Baka ganyan din? Baka lagnatin sa ulit? Bakit may sipon pa din si Anika until now? Or am I just like this because of the effects of the withdrawn medicine?
Alvin calmed me down. Wala daw ganun si Anika. Anika still has sipon because of her allergic rhinitis. Nahimasmasan naman ako.
I discovered what’s triggering my anxiety this time around. Despite the stress at work, ang pinaka-stress ko is thinking that Anika and Alvin might get sick. I’m very scared now that they’ll get sick. I know it’s normal for someone to feel this. Pero yung mine kasi is talagang exage eh to a point that it’s not funny anymore. At least now I know. I will be able to manage it.
Yesterday was Day 2. I was very busy yesterday so I just felt the anxiety when I was about to sleep. I drank my medicine and was fine na.
Last night, I dreamed that I was in a seminar then after lunch, naglights out sila para magsiesta. Kaloka. Anong klaseng seminar kaya yun? And then I discovered that I lost my new iPhone. I was all over the room looking for it. I was calling out to the people if they have found it. Nagpapanic na ako. And then I work up. Kanina yun ng 4am.
Lecheng anxiety talaga ito.
I told you na that since I started sharing with you what I am going through now, a lot of you started messaging me too that they have this. Their primary concern was nobody could understand them. A lot of the people close to them just keep on telling them na wala lang yan, arte lang yan, kayanin lang yan. The comments make them feel worse and lalong succumb to anxiety attacks then later on depression na.
Madami pa talaga ang hindi nakaka-intindi ng sakit na ito. It’s very hard to explain to people who have not had this. Pero ulit ulitin niyo na lang sa kanila lalo na if you are not able to function anymore: “Sinong gago ang may gustong maging ganito?!”. Tapos wag niyo na kausapin.
To those people who have like this, please do not be discourage and just keep on fighting. Gets ko how you feel when you receive comments like that. Minsan kapag yung attacks eh nasa height niya tapos makakarinig ako ng ganyan, I want to wish na sana they will have this too para maintindihan nila. Tingnan natin if ganyan pa din ang sasabihin nila. But of course, I don’t do that. I pray. I have seen din a lot of people na hindi naniniwala but because of sa dami ng nagsu-suicide at nagkaron ng awarness sa mental health, they read about it more. Naintindihan nila kahit papaano.
Best example was when who’s that actor sa Patch Adams? Oh yes, Robin Williams. He committed suicide by hanging himself last 2014. He was battling severe depression. Di ba?! Who would have thought na may depression si Robin Williams eh parang ang normal niya?! Parang ako, I look normal on the outside but I am battling anxiety on the inside. Yan pwede niyo din gawing example.
Natatawa ako when I hear na sakit mayaman daw ito. Alvin actually asked my former doctor bakit yung mga mahihirap daw hindi nagkakaganito. My doctor said that they have din daw but kinakaya nila without treatement. Some get better kasi if kaya pa naman talaga ng mind over matter but for some, that is the reason why they do drugs or do horrible crimes.
So yun. I wish they do more awareness in mental health. Nandiyan pa din kasi yung perception that if you go to a psychiatrist, buang ka na. Naiinis ako when people think that way and use the term buang. In more developed countries, like in Amsterdam for example, kids are checked by a psychiatrist as early as kindergarten. Yearly pa yata yan as they go up a grade level. Sadly dito sa atin parang taboo na taboo yan.
Anyway osha. I’m up since 4am and I’ve been thinking how to spread the awareness of mental health. Kaya napasulat ako bigla dito.
By the way, do check out my Instagram ha? I shared a video there na may sneak preview ng house namin. I’m so excited to dress it up talaga.
Happy Sunday everyone!