I know I’ve said this already but I really like the my Myka tops. They’re comfortable and fashionable at the same time.
The title of this post is Brain Vomit because that is exactly I’d like to do now. Bear with me, mga ateng at ang dami kong feelings today.
I know I am a Type A alpha woman. I want control over anything. I exercise control in almost everything that I want. I get what I want most probably because I only want what I know I can get. Gusto ko maayos lahat. Efficient. Ayaw ko ng nasasayang ang oras. I want everything fixed. If something is wrong, I find solutions to it and fix it. Immediately.
This poses a problem with this condition that I have now.
Alvin, Janis, my other friends, my psychiatrist and psychologist have told me this. I should stop being impatient about getting well and I should stop meddling with my medicines. I should trust the process.
Yesterday, I went to see my psychiatrist and he wanted to give me anti-depressants. When I asked why, he said that for three months since I first went to him, erratic pa din daw ako. Dapat daw medyo consistent na ako meaning less anxiety attacks. I told him I didn’t want to take those anti-depressants. I cried. Ayoko talaga. I don’t like the feeling after taking it. The doctor agreed not to give me mainly because the medicine will not take effect primary because of my resistance to it.
I know myself and I believe that I don’t need it.
I am grateful my doctor respects me and did not insist on it. He just told me that I should stop meddling with the anti anxiety meds doses.
Sa sobrang atat ko umayos, binibilisan ko ang pag-cut down ko ng meds. And then I get frustrated and anxious pagnagka-adverse effect because hindi tama ang dose.
I should trust the process.
It doesn’t help that I have GERD and phlegm now. Nakakadagdag pa yun. Sabi ko nga, kung tao lang tong sakit ko, nabugbog ko na siguro ito sa sobrang pikon ko.
Anyway, I promised my doctor I will follow his dosage and the process. I shall take it one day at a time.
So now I take the pills again twice a day. Ulitan. I get so sleepy after drinking it in the morning. Like kanina, I was so sleepy in class. Exage na sleepy-ness ha yung tipong parang tutumba ka na sa antok while reciting. I went to the toilets and went inside one of the stalls. I put down the toilet seat cover and sat on it. I closed my eyes. Nakakatulog ako ha? Nagigising lang ako because nalalaglag head ko because I was in an upright position. I tried that for 10 minutes and eventually gave up. Mahirap matulog ng nakaupo.
I am thankful for all the support that is coming in. Thank you for the constant messages from all of you. Malaking tulong and comfort you. Alvin is always there for me too. Matiyaga siya. My friends are with me in this journey also. My staff has been understanding and helpful. Peachy gave me a statue of Mary Mother of Knots. Lucy Torres and Chuvaness lang ang peg namin, lelz. My dad messaged me to tell me to get a hold of an American bible. He gave me bible verses to read everyday.
I was apprehensive about reading the Bible at first. I don’t read the Bible. Hindi ko kasi siya nage-gets. Pero since my dad suggested it, I tried it. Nagpalpitate ako ng slight because I read there that hindi daw tutulungan ni God ang mga makasalanan. ‘Nyeta, paano na ako? I’m no saint! But oo nga we shouldn’t take it literally so I need a little help with that. Anyway, gumaan naman loob ko after reading it. I read it twice a day.
So there, trust the process. It’s my mantra now. I say that in my mind repeatedly especially in the morning when the anxiety is extra hard for me. Ride it out. Isang year talaga ang gamutan as what I have experienced before and as what the anxiety disorder survivors said. Accept that I have this and believe that I will surpass it.
My concern is that I don’t like Anika to be aware of what I have. She’s too young to understand. One time, tinesting ko nga.
ME: Anika, do you think Nanay is happy?
ANIKA: Yes, of course!
ME: Why do you say that?
ANIKA: We have fun always. You tell me funny stories about when you were a kid before sleeping. We laugh. O, di ba, happy ka?
I thank God for that.