bathrobe cover up ko, ano? I love it because I got it on sale. More than 50% off ata at Miss Selfridge. I have not shopped in a while though. I’m busy getting well and I’m not complaining. My agreement with myself is that I will shop AFTER I have sold my pre-loved clothes. That will take a while hahahaha! Baka this coming super long weekend sa end of March. I shall make time for it.
Anyway, I have realizations these past few weeks.
My faith pala isn’t that strong. It’s not zero naman because I pray to God whenever there’s something that’s bothering me. I know and believe that there is a God. Pero I realized that it’s not that strong because hindi ko magawa yung sinasabi nila sa akin na to completely trust Him that I will get better.
Lemme explain, mga mare.
I think it has something to do with me having trust issues brought about the events na mga pinagdaanan ko in my life. I do not trust that I can completely rely on people. I have so many disappointments and have experienced betrayals in my life which caused me to be like this. Parang ilap ako lagi na iniisip ko I cannot fully depend on somebody kasi iiwan din niya ako.
I don’t want to make kalkal the feelings here anymore why I’m like that. Let’s leave it to my psychologist but I think dun galing lahat ng walls ko. Naging ganun din tuloy ako kay God. Hindi ako makatrust fully.
Now ko lang narealize lahat yan kasi may pinagdadaanan ako. I feel that my faith is not that strong because I am having a hard time fully trusting that God will heal me. Yun daw dapat kasi ang paniwalaan ko eh: that God will heal me and everything will eventually be okay in His time.
Feeling ko kasi busy si God and there are more people who have worse problems than mine. So I’m thinking baka dapat unahin Niya na sila kaya I do not rely on Him that much especially during hard times.
I don’t know if I am making sense to you pero mali daw yung ganung thinking.
Good thing I started reading the Bible. I don’t read the Bible before because I don’t get it. Hindi ko makita ang sense ng mga stories there. Ang deep. And if niliteral mo, nakakatakot. In short, I can’t understand it.
But when I started reading the book, The Battlefield of the Mind by Joyce Mayer, it said there “The mind wants to understand everything -the why, the when and the how of it all. When that understanding is not given by God, the mind refuses to believe what it cannot understand.”
Hindi ko magets so my mind does not want to believe.
But I want to understand.
So when my dad told me to read the Bible, I read it because (1) I want to understand it and (2) I was feeling really horrible that I would have done anything para umayos lang ako.
Eto na kwento ko. I had a lot of questions nga about God di ba? One time when I was in the Adoration Chapel (I was alone), I was conversing with God. Past time ko yan ngayon. Adoration chapel tapos kausap lang si God. I was asking Him to please help me have more faith in Him. I told Him I was having a hard time because, of course, primarily yung fact that hindi ko Siya makita. Nasan ba kako Siya? I want to feel that He is there.
Tapos biglang may nagsalita na lalaki.
“I am here. Jesus is here.”
‘Nyeta mga bakla, kinilabutan ako! I was torn between crying and bolting out of there kasi baka multo!
I realized that there was this person preaching in a crowd inside our church. Voice niya pala yung narinig ko.
Pero what a coincidence di ba?!
Alvin told me that whenever he has a problem, he would get his Bible and open it in the middle (or anywhere: start, middle or end) then the story that he will read there will greatly help him in whatever it is na bumabagabag sa kanya. So one time in the Adoration Chapel, I tried that. I got a Bible. I asked God, “How can I fully trust You”. I opened the Bible. Ito yung verse: John 6:25-59 but here are the lines na sumapol talaga:
So they asked him, “What can we do in order to do what God wants us to do?”. Jesus answered, “What God wants you to do is to believe in the one he sent.”.
For what my Father wants is that all who see the Son and believe in him should have eternal life.
What gives life is God’s Spirit; human power is of no use at all. The words I have spoken to you bring God’s life-giving Spirit. Yet some of you do not believe.
Amazing di ba?
Ito last na. I was in the Adoration Chapel again. Sabi ko kasi baka chamba lang yung last time so I asked God to convey to me through the Bible ano ba ang gusto Niyang sabihin sa akin. I opened the Bible and ito yung verse:
Jesus said in a loud voice, “Whoever believes in me believes not only in me but also in him who sent me. Whoever sees me sees also him who sent me. I have come into the world as light, so that everyone who believes in me should not remain in the darkness.
I’m telling you guys, get a hold of a Bible and start reading it. Kaya pala madaming nagbabasa ng Bible after waking up and before sleeping. Madami siyang nasasagot and God is able to converse with you there. Since I started reading the Bible, gumaan pakiramdam ko. Parang more peaceful siya. Plus yung trust ko that He will make me better, tumaas talaga ang rating.
Try it, wala naman mawawala. Isipin niyo lang ako. Ako si matanong about everything but I found peace.