2018 was a bitch and I am so glad it will be over in less than 24 hours.
This year was one of my darkest and you all know that. Having anxiety depression in your early 20s is a lot, lot different when you have it in your late 30s. One of the most notable reasons is that ang dami nang mawawala sa akin now compared to before. I have a husband, a child and a grown up job. Even getting over it is different and harder. I am thankful though for these 3 reasons because they helped me have a reason not to stop trying to get better. I am the most thankful to Alvin for helping me go through everything.
Hanggang sa remaining few days ng pagtatapos ng taon na ito, it continued to knock me down. Ang hirap bumangon. Mas gusto ko nang mag-give up. Mas madali kasi mag-give up di ba? But we should not. I needed to fight back, not only for my family, but most importantly for myself.
I cannot say I’m in a perfect place na now. One of my most important relationships is in danger of breaking for good. Bumibitaw na yung mga tinapal kong mga strong adhesives for it. But like I said, I am not giving anything up. I have learned a lot this year. I can say it changed me. You do that for the people you are trying to keep in your life. If malagpasan ko ito, pwede ko talagang sabihin that I became a better person. Uunahin na diyan yung pagbaba ng pride. Sabi nila, and paulit ulit ko sinasabi dito, ang pride ay parang panty. Walang mangyayari if hindi mo ibababa. Lowering my pride is a small price to pay for the things and people na mahalaga sayo. It will not be easy for me but I am willing to reconsider yung mga naka-gisnan ko para umayos everything.
A blog reader, who also follows me in Instagram, sent me a message this morning. It read:
“First blog post mo na nabasa ko around Feb 2013, expecting pa lang ako noon sa panganay ko. “Unsolicited advise something” yung title. Nishare lang ng officemate ko yung link nun, wala akong ibang alam sa blogsphere before that. Salamat sa inspiration na binabahagi mo samin. I’m so amazed how you manage your work, household, etc and you seem so passionate about everything you do. Nakaka-amaze how mothers can do these things. I’m a mother but I’m struggling to juggle these things, laging may naleleft out. Salamat din sa pagshare mo about your anxiety issues. This year is though on me as well but knowing that I’m not alone in battle makes it worth fighting for. We may not know each other personally pero pagnakikita ko yung mga shineshare mo, how you struggle but kept on going and going. It gives me a little hope that everything will be okay. You may not realize it but what you share online helps people. Salamat! Cheers to 2019!”
I have a confession to make.
I almost decided to put an end to the Mommy Fleur Blog. That time, parang sabi sa akin, ang daming nasasacrifice ko for it. Sabi ko naman sa inyo, this blog is not a priority in my life. If it affects yung mga priorities ko sa buhay, mas pipiliin ko ang mga yun. But then I realized, unlike what you guys see online, I’m not that good in balancing things. Madaming (madami) akong sablay. I know better now. Instead of shutting down this blog, I will work on balancing and prioritizing. Bakit? May nagsabi kasi sa akin that maybe, this blog is one of my purpose in life. Looking back, I saw na ang dami kong natutulungan both in your personal lives and sa mga businesses niyo. Based on the messages that you guys send, napapasaya ko kayo kahit papaano. And I am convinced nga na yun ang purpose ko in life.
And you may not know it, you guys helped me so much all these years. Yung mga words of encouragement niyo that you sent me truly helped. I am so touched because even though we don’t really know each other, I have people like you in my life. Dun sa lowest of low ko this year, I told myself, hindi ako mag-gi-give up kasi ano na lang ang sasabihin niyo? That it’s okay to just throw everything away and tapusin lahat sa walang kwentang paraan? Hindi na lalaban? NO. It’s a hard no. We will not give up. Aariba tayo. Rarampa tayo. Kasi, whatever happens and whatever it is na bumabagabag sa inyo (may it be your family, relationships, work), just like what Alvin said, if you have faith, everything will turn out for the better.
So here’s to 2019, mga kumare! Let’s fill it up with positivity. Remember, you attract what you project kaya positive lang tayo lagi.
Happy new year, guys!