Dear Anika: When You Feel That I Don’t Love You

Dear Anika,

There was one day when your yaya, Ate Abby, told me that you shouted at her when she was making you sit farther from the television at home. She said when she was making you finish your food, you also shouted at her. She also told me that you told her to leave na lang because you don’t like her. She also told me that you started throwing things at her because you were mad. This made me really angry and upset. What was happening to you? We are not trying to bring you up that way. We want to bring you up as someone who respects other people especially the help.

I called you to my room and made you sit on the bed. You saw that I was very angry. You were already saying sorry even without me saying anything. It pacified me a bit because I can see that you already knew that you did something wrong. At least hindi ka pala manhid. But I wasn’t sure of your sincerity because there have been a lot of times when you said sorry immediately just to escape my anger and being scolded.

Hindi ganyan gamitin ang word na “sorry” anak. You should mean it.

Pinagalitan kita. I was really mad. But I didn’t shout though. Pero ikaw, you were crying really hard.

ME: Why are you crying? I’m not even shouting at you.

ANIKA: Because… (hic)… Because… (hic)

ME: Because what?

ANIKA: I feel you don’t love me anymore!

Natigilan ako ng slight.

I wanted to pull you to me and hug you very tight. I wanted to tell you that that never ever can possibly happen.

It was very, very hard for me but I didn’t. Not because I really don’t love you but because I didn’t want to buckle . I wanted to make a point that what you did was very wrong. No amount of drama can change that.

After you cried, we talked again. I asked if you understood everything that I said about not doing it again. You said yes. I made you tell me what you have learned in our talk.

ANIKA: Not to shout at my Ates. Not to throw things. Not to say mean things because I really do not like Ate Abby to leave because I like her.

Good.

Now on to the part na bumabagabag sa akin.

ME: Anika, why did you say that I don’t love you? Why do you feel that?

ANIKA: Because you were upset with me! Because I’m a bad girl!

ME: Anika, look at me. You are not a bad girl. You are a very good girl. You are a good girl but you sometimes forget that you are a good girl. I am angry with what you did but that doesn’t mean that I do not love you. I will always love you no matter what. Remember that.

ANIKA: But you were almost shouting at me! Parents should never shout at their kids!

ME: Come here and give me a hug. Tapos na tayo magdiscuss. Do not teach me how to raise you.

I will put it here, anak, lest you forget what I said that day.

I will never ever stop loving you. Always remember that. I will still love you even if you make mistakes. You can tell me about it and we can correct it together. I will always be here for you whatever happens. You will never be alone because we can conquer anything together. That is because I love you.

I will still love you even if we fight. Yes sweetheart. Our tiny “fights” now are nothing compared to what we will fight about when you grow up.  I know that. I dread the day when it will come but I know it will come. You will not like some of the decisions I will make for you but I have to make it for your sake. I know that, someday, you might detest the rules that I will make for you. I will have to make it even though I know we will fight because I love you. I will do it for you. I will do it because I love you.

I will always love you no matter where you go or no matter who you grow up to be. I will be behind you in whatever endeavor you will want to do. I will support you all the way. I know you will conquer the world, Anika. You will go places. Do not worry. I will go and see you wherever you are. That is a promise. I will take care of you as long as I can, whether you like it or not. I will be there for you even if you already have your “people” with you. Regardless if you already have a best friend, a boyfriend, a husband or a child, I will be there for you because I love you. I will do all of these because I love you.

I will love you even if a time will come that you will tell me that you don’t love me, whatever your reason may be. Remember that even if you throw hurtful words at me, I will still love you. I know you will only say that out of anger. I know you will not mean that. I know you will realize what you did and it will hurt you. You will come to me and apologize. Just come to me, sweetheart and I will embrace you. I will forgive you. I will do that because I love you.

I will always love you, Anika Summer. Nothing can ever change that.

Love,

Nanay