Fleurdeliz 2.0

“I know you thought the breaking was the most painful chapter. It wasn’t. Turn the page. The next part is much longer. It’s the healing. The rise. The comeback. It’s the birth of the new you. And it’s not easy. But you are strong and brave and worth it.” – Stephanie Bennet-Henry

Hi, guys. It’s been a while. Three months to be exact since I wrote the Elephant In The Room blog entry. So many things have happened since.

I completely weaned off all meds last October. I won’t detail it here again because I know you guys know how hard it was. Never take Alprazolam for too long. Dapat daw maxiumum of 4 months lang because one can develop a dependency on the drug. The doctor made me take it for one year and a half. Imagine how difficult it was weaning off from it. The withdrawal symptoms were hell. Si God lang talaga yung nakikita kong reason how I was able to go through it. I am glad I am off it. The trauma it caused my nervous system is another story.

Anyway, one of my good friends, who’s a doctor, suggested to have my hormones checked. Baka imbalanced daw. I got it tested through a blood test. You just need a doctor’s request and bring it to a laboratory. I went to Hi-Precision in SM Aura. True enough, my progesterone hormone is super low. At the time I had it checked, it was 0.2. Yung normal range is supposed to be 1.8 to 25. Now I’m doing the bioidentical hormone replacement therapy with Doc Fran of Centro Holistico. I pray that my progesterone level goes up and umayos my hormones. Imbalanced hormones can cause anxiety and depression. I wish I had mine tested before I took all the meds. Inayos ko na lang sana muna itong hormones ko. Hindi ko na sana tinake yung medicines na yun.

I feel that I’ve improved a lot sa pakiramdam ko since I started with that therapy. There is still anxiety especially during PMS days (nagugulo levels ng hormones) and in the morning (time when we have naturnally high cortisol levels) but I’m so much better than last year. I gained 10 lbs already. Nagkalaman na and hindi na ako mukang nabinat na matanda. I’ve started eating ng maayos though wala pa din yung cravings talaga. I just eat because I need to eat to live. It’s still better than not eating at all.

I no longer feel sad. It has been 2 years and tama sila, magmamanhid ka din pala. I no longer want to chase something that doesn’t choose me. Gusto ko happy lang. No drama. Ayaw ko ng stress. In everything, especially relationships with other people, simple na lang. If you can’t be with me in my worst, then you can’t be with me at my best. I’ve lost people who are important to me in this journey. But I gained new people too. Ganun siguro. God takes away kasi He gives you something better.

I cannot say that I am back to my old self. I keep saying kasi na gusto ko na bumalik sa normal. Leah, during one of our sessions, told me that wala na yung old self ko. This is the new me. Wala na daw kaming inaantay na old self. This is moving forward. I should embrace this new me.

I’d like to share with you the things that I did that helped me arrive to where I am now in the hopes that it can also help some of you.

Pray. I prayed so hard. Every. Single. Moment. I’ve been trying to practice surrendering everything to God. Kasi di ba, even if I say I surrender to Him, I monitor naman what I prayed for. Hindi daw yun ganun dapat.

Exercise. I was in the gym almost everyday. I ran and ran. It helped me cope. Dumating na din kasi yung time na I felt there wasn’t anything to look forward to. So going to the gym really helped me. Nakaka-clear ng head. Sarap pa ng feeling after.

I didn’t stop helping myself. I went to counseling and therapy. I went to Bible studies. Everyday may ganap ako online at 8pm, Either counseling/therapy or bible study. Anything that can help me get better, I did it. I journaled every morning for 10 minutes doing free writing. I went to Centro Holistico for acupuncture every week. I drank supplements. I bought and read books that help me understand more about what I am going through. I watched videos online on how to deal and manage the anxiety. I listened to self help podcasts. I listened to the CCF Sunday services and to Joel Osteen on the way to work every morning. Hindi ako tumigil maghanap ng ways na gumaling. Next time, I do a more extensive post on this one.

I moved and did things. Kahit sobrang hassle, I forced myself to move and to go out. I frequently met up with my close friends, cousins and what is left of my family who’s here in Manila. I went to Pineda’s house often. I kept going out para hindi ako matulala lang and huwag mag-isip. Nakakapagod but it was necessary for me. I organized stuff sa house. Like lahat. I purged my closet. I organized and re-organized lahat ng storages sa bahay that can put Marie Kondo to shame.

I changed my environment. Well, to the most that I can. I couldn’t uproot Anika and move to Alaska so binago ko na lang mga gamit sa bahay. I realized that our house reminded me of the past so I changed it hanggang kung saan kayanin ng budget. I bought a new dining table and gave away the old one. I sold the living room sofa and bought a new sala set and chairs. I bought a new buffet table and a painting. Magastos. But since I cannot buy peace of mind, ito na yung closest na pwede.

I consciously pep talk myself not to catastrophize and not to think of negative thoughts. This is not easy but by doing it regularly, it will become a habit daw. I have not reached the automatic positive thinking yet pero hindi ako tumitigil trying. I always think that not everything that our brain tells us is true. Most of the time pag negative thought siya, false yun. Almost always yan, pansinin niyo. Practice makes perfect. In time, mapeperfect ko din yan.

When January came, I am grateful that I had the energy and will to go out na more often. Pakonti konti.

ME (to Anika): Sweetheart, I’ll be home a little late ha? I’ll meet up lang with my friends.

ANIKA: That’s the third time this month! Bruh, who are you?!

ME: I’m still me.

ANIKA: I know. I’m happy Nanay you are starting to enjoy yourself again.

May ganyan.

She already noticed na nagaayos na ako ulit. She’s happy. She’s still waiting for us to buy my “revenge” clothes. Hindi ko ba naman malaman para saan. Lol.

And you know, I am accepting that there are days na okay, there are days na hindi. Pag okay, enjoy. Pag hindi, it’s temporary. I am trying my best not to dwell on the negative anymore. Grateful na lang lagi. It’s not easy. It’s a struggle for someone who went through trauma but I can do it. And if I can do it, you can do it too.

I can’t wait to be continuously back here.

Excited ako for the days to come.

I’ll see you guys in a bit.