Category: Dear Anika

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Dear Anika: Your First Independent School Fair

Anika

Dear Anika,

Today is the start of your week long school fair for this year. You are in first grade and you were very excited.

Today also marks the first time you will go to the school fair all by yourself. No parents. No yaya. No guardian.

I am writing this now because na-sesenti na naman si Nanay mo.

You were very excited. I was also excited because I remember how fun the CSA school fair is.

ANIKA: Nanay! There will be so many rides! Can I go to the bouncing castle and inside this big ball and then they’ll bounce me around.

Wait.

Rides.

I remember the caterpillar and the octopus rides. Eto yung mga parang titilapon ka sa ere. These were really scary.

ME: Sweetheart, can you not go to the rides?

ANIKA: Awwww!! But can I go to the bouncing castle and inside the big ball.

I can think of one hundred things that can go wrong when she goes inside the bouncing castle and the big ball alone.

ME: Can you wait for me na lang tomorrow so that I can accompany you? Go to the booths na lang.

And then you said,

“Okay Nanay! There’s a make up booth and marriage booth there that I can’t wait to try!”

Wait. Whut?!

Tumaas ang kilay ko anak hangang ceiling. Yung Tatay mo parang namutla.

In my mind:
Anong marriage booth?! I remember making kunchaba some friends na hulihin ako and my crush so they can bring us to the marriage booth. Meron kasi dun na “You may kiss the bride.” part. But I was already in high school then! You’re just in first grade, for goodness sake!

Napapa-for goodness sake tuloy ako.

Sige ta-Tagalugin ko.

“Punyeta, grade 1 ka lang!!!”

But I didn’t tell you that. Instead, I put on a poker face and decided not to show my panic.

ME: Sweetheart, what do you do ba in the marriage booth?

ANIKA: Nanay, don’t panic. They just take pictures of you.

Ah ganun ba?

Hindi naman ako nagpapanic, anak. Actually naka-poker face nga ako eh. Kitang kita pa din siguro in my eyes. Lol.

I realized that I will be spoiling your first independent school fair if I will be like this. Ayoko naman maging KJ so I decided to loosen my reigns to you a little.

I gave you 5 Php 20 bills. You exchanged to me one twenty peso bill kasi gusot gusot na kamo. And then, you went to your room and got your treasure chest where you put all your savings. Nilabas mo lahat ng pera mo.

ME: Anak, don’t get everything. Get some lang and magtipid ka. Wag mong gasutusin lahat.

On a normal school day, it takes me almost 5 minutes to wake you up. Ang dami mong seremonyas. But today, I just whispered that today’s your school fair, nagtatatakbo ka na sa banyo to take a bath.

Excited talaga.

You picked your new jeans and your favorite rubber shoes to wear. You told me to put your hair to a pony tail. You checked your bag for your diary, jacket, pencils and extra white shirt. You even brought a small sling bag where you kept your money and your cellphone. You told me that you will leave your bag in the classroom or in the school bus when you’re going around the school fair. You told me that you will just bring a sling bag just like a grown up. You checked everything twice before we left the house.

Sa awa ng Diyos anak, naiwan mo naman sa bahay your school ID.

Excited nga talaga.

I brought you to school this morning. After we visited the school chapel, we were walking to your classroom.

ME: Anak, can you please tell me what are the rules again.

ANIKA: No rides. Don’t lose my money again. Do not spend so much money on ice cream and mahal stuff. Bring my phone with me everywhere.

Okay, good.

When we got to the end of the corridor,

ME: Anika, can you please give me your diary? I wasn’t able to sign it.

You were raring to go. You gave me an exasperated look.

ANIKA: No na Nanay! It’s okay. Teacher will not get mad. I have to gooooo!!

ME: I want to. Give it to me!

I signed it and then placed it inside her bag. I hugged her. She hugged and kissed me. Then she pushed me away.

ANIKA: I’m soooo excited Nanay! I love you! Bye!

And off you went to your classroom. You were screaming excitedly to your classmates who were at the door.

I watched you until you went inside your room. Malaki ka na nga. You look so independent. It was like it was just yesterday, ang clingy mo pa sa akin. You needed me to go around the fair grounds. Ang bilis ng panahon. Masaya na malungkot. Nakaka-proud to see that you are growing up to be a smart girl. I can’t help but to worry too. Matapang and makulit ka. You are very curious. Tingnan mo, you fell from that soccer goal post that I told you one hundred times not to climb.

But I have to trust you. I have to trust you not to do anything stupid again like climbing that soccer goal post. I have to trust your judgement of what you think is good and bad. Dito natin makikita kung tama nga talaga ang pagpapalaki namin sayo. I will just find comfort on how Wowa and Lolo Papa were when we were in school too. I’m sure deep inside they had their worries but they trusted us.

I am trusting you not to go kissing boys in the marriage booth.

Bakit ba hindi pa i-abolish yang marriage booth na yan!

Hahahaha! Tita na tina ang dating ni Nanay!

Yes, this is just the school fair and my letter for you is so long already.

Wait for my letter when the time comes you’ll ask permission to go on a sleepover. Baka mag-crash ang WordPress ko.

I love you sweetheart.

I hope you will enjoy today.

Love,

Nanay

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Dear Anika: Things To Know Before Having A Boyfriend

Sulit din ang bili ko sa Salt Water sandals ni Anika. At first, you would think that it will not make bagay to a lot of clothes pero it goes with anything din talaga.

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Dress: PEPPERMINT; Sandals: SALT WATER

Either that or ang cute lang kasi ni Anika and bagay sa kaniya lahat. Hehe.

Anyway, may chikka ako.

A couple of weeks ago, I was surprised when I opened my Facebook. I had a friend request from an ex-boyfriend from way, way back. Natigilan ako ng slight.

And then biglang I heard Celine Dion singing in the background: “It’s all coming back, it’s all coming back to me now..”.

via GIPHY

Hahahahahaha!

Nah, it’s all good guys. I’m over it for decades.

This ex became my boyfriend when I was 16. We were together for almost 3 years.

Being so young, naive and all, I fell hard for this one. He was tall, dark and handsome. He was really good at playing basketball. Best of all, patay na patay siya sa akin that time.

Or so I thought.

Everything was so kilig the first months. I was so smitten by him. I would doodle his name in my notebooks the whole day. I would do the F.L.A.M.E.S. thing with our names and would not stop until it says married. Hahahaha! Loka loka lang talaga. He would watch all my volleyball games no matter where we were playing. He would come over our house as often as he can. We were almost always together. It was puppy love at it’s sweetest form.

Or so I thought.

Everything was okay until my friends told me that he was cheating on me with someone from his school. That broke my heart. In fairness, he apologized and did everything to win me back. He would call the house all the time, go to my school to wait for me even though I would not go with him, go to my games even though hindi ko naman kinakausap. After a while, I gave in. Mahina kasi ako sa ganyan. All was good again pagkatapos nun.

Or so I thought.

To make the story short, he cheated on me three more times after that. I forgave him three more times too. I thought normal kasi yun. And I forgave and forgave because I couldn’t stand the thought of us not being together. I looked up to him and confided to him about everything. We did all things together. I felt nobody will like me pagnawala siya. What do you expect? That’s what you get when you enter a relationship at a very young age. Telling this to you now made me realize that Wowa was right talaga dati. She didn’t want me having boyfriends at an early age. I think she just gave in with this one kasi she knows I’ll have a boyfriend anyway. She gave in para she can monitor closely. Tama naman. I will do the same with Anika.

Anyway, I eventually got out of that toxic relationship but not without learnings. Though I wasn’t able to apply those learnings agad in my next relationships, at least I have something for Anika if ever time comes.

Hence, my Dear Anika for today.

Dear Anika,

Sweetheart, one day, hopefully when you’re done in school and are already working, you will have a boyfriend. I hope before then, you will be able to read these advice for you. Wag ka mag-alala anak, kahit hindi mo siguro ito mabasa, ibabaon ko ang mga ito sa utak mo.

One, please, never chase love. Do not chase anybody for love, period. Remember when you were little and you were playing tag? When you’re “it”, you run after somebody and then you stop and go back to me to cry because you tell me you’re frustrated because you cannot catch the person. I told you that there is a reason why you’re running after that person. Kasi kako your playmate is running away from you kaya you couldn’t catch him/her. Ganyan din sa love, anak. If you chase and chase it, chances are it will run away from you. Pagminalas malas ka pa, you catch somebody not right for you. You won’t want that. Have patience. Love will come to you at the right timing. Maniwala ka sa akin.

Two, always remember that you are enough. You do not have to change for somebody in order for him to love you. Do not change to please anyone. You will see how great it is to be loved for who you are. There was a boy dati who said gusto daw niya mahihinhin na mga babae. Eh ang pogi so naging mahinhin ako around him. You know me. Mahinhin is the last adjective you can describe me. But I tried for the sake of him liking me. My friends thought I was always constipated because I wasn’t acting normally. In the end, I didn’t get the guy. Ayaw niya sa mukhang constipated.

Three, a boy will do anything if he likes you. Kahit busy yan, he will always find time for you. He will move mountains, makasama ka lang if gusto ka niya talaga. Madami din magiging rason yan if he doesn’t like you so you have to be alert in identifying which is which. Also, do not make it easy for them to have you. Ang peg natin dito anak is “pagmay tiyaga, may nilaga.”.

Four, do not settle with anyone just because you want to be in a relationship. Anika, Wowa has told me this so many times that it is already etched in my brain. I will tell this to you too. You are a terrific person. You are a great catch. At this point, I know you are an educated, intelligent, well-rounded, beautiful and fine woman. Any guy will be lucky to have you so do not settle just for the sake of having a boyfriend.

Five, pick somebody who has other great traits apart from being gwapo. Wag mo na akong gayahin diyan dahil madaming beses na ako napaso kaka-pili ng gwapo. Pick somebody who is smart and who can challenge you intellectually. Pick somebody who’s into sports. Pick somebody who is passionate about something. Pick somebody who has a good relationship with his mother. Pick somebody who is respectful, God-fearing and honest. Pick somebody who can make you laugh. Pick somebody who can make you feel special even with simple ways. Pick somebody who will not restrict you. Pick somebody na may goal in life. Pick somebody who makes you a better person. Lastly, pick somebody who you are absolutely in love with. Anything less than that should be a waste of your time.

Six, with all the items in number 5, you will have to understand that you have to know the person muna before entering a relationship with them. Best if you can be friends with him first. Good friends make great boyfriends. Magandang foundation yan. Basta bottom line, wag kang magmadali. In line with this anak, I encourage you to not to decide on the one agad. Go on dates. Hell, you can even fall in love more than once. Trial and error din kasi yan. The more people you meet, the more you realize who you want and what you want from a relationship. Pero anak, may border dito ha? This doesn’t me that you go out with anybody who will ask you out. See item #4 above.

Seven, once you are in a relationship, do not give your all. Do not lose yourself in the relationship. Like, cliche man pero magtira ka lagi for yourself. Sigurista tayo eh. In case things won’t end in a happy ending, you have pieces pa with you to build on and start all over again.

Eight, respect yourself first. Yan ang una. When people see that, they will give proper respect to you too.

Nine, wait before having sex. This will be discussed further.

Ten, always, always remember that I will always be here for you no matter what. You can tell me everything. Let me guide you. Guide lang naman because this early (you are 6 years old as I am writing this), your Tatay and I are trying our best to instill good values in you. I know you will make sound decisions when you grow up. But if you come to me about love, I promise I will not be judgmental of your choice in men. I will not promise though that I will keep to myself all my opinions about him or your relationship. You are my only child. It is my self-imposed obligation to keep an eye on you no matter how old you get.

That’s it. I love you Anika.

Love,

Nanay

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Dear Anika: When You Feel That I Don’t Love You

Dear Anika,

There was one day when your yaya, Ate Abby, told me that you shouted at her when she was making you sit farther from the television at home. She said when she was making you finish your food, you also shouted at her. She also told me that you told her to leave na lang because you don’t like her. She also told me that you started throwing things at her because you were mad. This made me really angry and upset. What was happening to you? We are not trying to bring you up that way. We want to bring you up as someone who respects other people especially the help.

I called you to my room and made you sit on the bed. You saw that I was very angry. You were already saying sorry even without me saying anything. It pacified me a bit because I can see that you already knew that you did something wrong. At least hindi ka pala manhid. But I wasn’t sure of your sincerity because there have been a lot of times when you said sorry immediately just to escape my anger and being scolded.

Hindi ganyan gamitin ang word na “sorry” anak. You should mean it.

Pinagalitan kita. I was really mad. But I didn’t shout though. Pero ikaw, you were crying really hard.

ME: Why are you crying? I’m not even shouting at you.

ANIKA: Because… (hic)… Because… (hic)

ME: Because what?

ANIKA: I feel you don’t love me anymore!

Natigilan ako ng slight.

I wanted to pull you to me and hug you very tight. I wanted to tell you that that never ever can possibly happen.

It was very, very hard for me but I didn’t. Not because I really don’t love you but because I didn’t want to buckle . I wanted to make a point that what you did was very wrong. No amount of drama can change that.

After you cried, we talked again. I asked if you understood everything that I said about not doing it again. You said yes. I made you tell me what you have learned in our talk.

ANIKA: Not to shout at my Ates. Not to throw things. Not to say mean things because I really do not like Ate Abby to leave because I like her.

Good.

Now on to the part na bumabagabag sa akin.

ME: Anika, why did you say that I don’t love you? Why do you feel that?

ANIKA: Because you were upset with me! Because I’m a bad girl!

ME: Anika, look at me. You are not a bad girl. You are a very good girl. You are a good girl but you sometimes forget that you are a good girl. I am angry with what you did but that doesn’t mean that I do not love you. I will always love you no matter what. Remember that.

ANIKA: But you were almost shouting at me! Parents should never shout at their kids!

ME: Come here and give me a hug. Tapos na tayo magdiscuss. Do not teach me how to raise you.

I will put it here, anak, lest you forget what I said that day.

I will never ever stop loving you. Always remember that. I will still love you even if you make mistakes. You can tell me about it and we can correct it together. I will always be here for you whatever happens. You will never be alone because we can conquer anything together. That is because I love you.

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I will still love you even if we fight. Yes sweetheart. Our tiny “fights” now are nothing compared to what we will fight about when you grow up.  I know that. I dread the day when it will come but I know it will come. You will not like some of the decisions I will make for you but I have to make it for your sake. I know that, someday, you might detest the rules that I will make for you. I will have to make it even though I know we will fight because I love you. I will do it for you. I will do it because I love you.

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I will always love you no matter where you go or no matter who you grow up to be. I will be behind you in whatever endeavor you will want to do. I will support you all the way. I know you will conquer the world, Anika. You will go places. Do not worry. I will go and see you wherever you are. That is a promise. I will take care of you as long as I can, whether you like it or not. I will be there for you even if you already have your “people” with you. Regardless if you already have a best friend, a boyfriend, a husband or a child, I will be there for you because I love you. I will do all of these because I love you.

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I will love you even if a time will come that you will tell me that you don’t love me, whatever your reason may be. Remember that even if you throw hurtful words at me, I will still love you. I know you will only say that out of anger. I know you will not mean that. I know you will realize what you did and it will hurt you. You will come to me and apologize. Just come to me, sweetheart and I will embrace you. I will forgive you. I will do that because I love you.

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I will always love you, Anika Summer. Nothing can ever change that.

Love,

Nanay

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Dear Anika #1: When You Graduate Kindergarten

Last weekend, Alvin called me to tell me that one of our wedding godfather is sick. He’s battling with cancer and it all came super sudden lang. The worse part was grabe na daw the cancer when they discovered it. This news saddened us so much because ang bait bait talaga ng ninong namin na iyon. He’s very kind, unassuming and I always see him with a smile on his face.

Eto na naman ako sa ka-praningan ko.

As usual, I related myself to his situation. I became paranoid. You see, I dunno if I told you na this, I do not have problems with dying. As in wala talaga. Eh kung yun yung naka-tadhana sa akin eh, I cannot really do something about it. The only thing that would depress me would be leaving Alvin and Anika behind. The thought of them not having me in their future makes me really sad. If God will take me now (knock on wood), I won’t be able to be there and plan Anika 7th and 18th birthday. I won’t be able to be with her when she graduates or enter college. Yung wedding niya wala ako. Ang daming milestones that I won’t be there to witness it.

Yan ang nakakalungkot na part.

Since we do not know when we will be taken by our Creator, I have a new segment in my blog. Inspired by the dad who left letters to his 3 year old son that his son to guide him through his life after he dies, gagawa din ako niyan. If, luckily, hindi ako ma-dedo anytime soon, Anika and I can still both look back and read the different blog posts in this segment. Future reference, ika nga nila.

The title of this new segment is Dear Anika.

My First Dear Anika is When She Graduates Kindergarten.

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Dear Anika,

Congratulations on your kindergarten graduation, sweetheart!

I know you did well because I saw how hard you studied during your exams. I won’t be surprised if your Tatay will go up the stage with you because you’re an Eagle Certificate Awardee. Hindi talaga ako nagugulat. Mana ka kasi sa akin ‘Nak. Hehe.

This is just a start of your amazing journey. I know you’re scared of transferring to a bigger building that Grade One kids will share with older students but as you go through those gates, just imaging me holding your hand. Ganyan naman talaga tayo every first day of school di ba? Hindi ko nga lang alam who’s holding on tighter, ikaw ba or ako. Looks like it’s me because, every year, I can see you all raring to go and start the new school year with your old and new classmates tapos ako nakahawak lang sayo. Parang ayaw pa kita i-let go because ang bilis ng panahon, I can’t catch up. It was like yesterday lang when I went with you on the first day of your toddler class.

And now, you’re going to start grade school after this summer!!! *tears*

I can totally hear your voice in my head, “Nanay! Stop being overdramatic!”

My advice to you is study hard but do not forget to enjoy and have fun. Make friends. It is during this time that you will meet your future bestfriends (if you haven’t met them yet). Do not be shy. Join lang ng join sa mga clubs. Salihan mo what interests you. I would love to see you be a Star Scout just like what I was when I was in first grade. Hindi ko lang sure if type mo but if you like, I swear to you, you will have fun talaga learning all about camping and all the things that come with it.

Osha, congratulations again sweetheart. I’m super duper proud of you!

Love,

Nanay