My Heart Is Broken Into Pieces

I guess you all know na what happened. Kwento ko na lang dito yung details. By writing and sharing it, I feel that it helps me cope somehow. Looking back, this online diary has helped me go through the ups and downs that came to my life. Nagiging therapy ko itong small space in this blogging world so here it is so that the healing can finally begin.

Last Friday, I had my period pero sobrang hina. Parang patak patak lang. Then come Sunday, halos nawala na siya. Inasar pa ako ni Janis na baka nagmemenopause na ako. We laughed about it. I was surprised because when Monday arrived, lumakas na naman siya. Sabi ko shet, baka nga nagmemenopause na ako.

The whole day ng Tuesday, I had this terrible pain on the left side of my puson. I tried getting through it because we were going to report for Mancom that day. Thankfully, instead of reporting for usually 2-3 hours, less than hour lang yung mga pinareport. Hindi ako masyado matagal nagtiis ng masakit kong tagiliran sa harap. I asked my boss if I can go home na kasi ang sakit talaga nung tagiliran ako. I thought sa bato siya or sa appendices kaso left yung sumasakit eh right side talaga yun eh.

Anyway, I waited for Alvin at home kasi I told him if he can take me to the ER paguwi niya. Around 6pm, sumakit yung buong puson ko ng sobra. It’s the same terrible pain that I felt when I had my pre-term labor with Anika in 2010. Nakakamatay yung sakit.  Anika called Alvin to go home right away. Iniwan na ni Alvin yung meeting niya. When he got home, he consulted with our wedding ninang who is a doctor. Alvin told her na baka din sa stress because something at work stressed me so much last Monday. Oo daw. Pwede daw na ganun. Nagtrigger ang dysmenorrhea. They told me to drink mefanamic. Even though the pain was still permanently there, dahan dahan nagsubside siya ng slight and I fell asleep. I woke up na the next day.

The next day, may constant pain pa but it was bearable. Parang pain lang ng first day of menstruation so I didn’t think much about it. Nakapagwalkthrough pa ako sa dalawa naming projects.

I met up with Pineda and our high school friend after work to go to Antipolo to attend the wake of the father of one of our friends. At the wake, I changed sanitary pads twice kasi parang lumakas yung period ko. Naweirduhan ako ng slight because 5th day ko na pero parang 2nd day of menstruation pa din sa lakas ng flow. My period usually lasts lang for 3-4 days. Sabi ko baka nga kasi tumatanda na ako. We left the wake around 11pm. Nagpagpag kami at a gasoline station near Pineda’s house. I went to the toilet to change my pads.

Dun ko nakita yung malaki and thick meaty like thing na lumabas sa akin. It was sitting at the middle of my sanitary pad. It was so big that I called Pineda to show it to her. Sabi ko, hindi kaya ako nakunan? Pineda told me to wrap and bring it home para ipakita sa doctor. Sabi ko wala akong pang wrap so I took a photo of it na lang using my phone. And then I threw it away.

I was worried so I woke up Alvin when I got home to show it to him. Sabi niya nangyari na daw yun sa akin before. True naman pero hindi ganito ka-laki. I slept na after nun.

The next day, I watched Anika’s field demonstration at school then went straight to the OBGYN clinic that one of my amigas recommended. However, wala yung doctora. Ang nandun is yung OB na dad niya. Sabi ko okay lang kasi sayang naman yung leave ko if hindi ako makapagpatingin.

I waited for 2 hours there at Makati Med. The doctor had an urgent patient that was inside his clinic. Nabrowse ko na ata lahat ng mga Facebook and IG profiles ng lahat ng friends ko. Updated na din ako kay Fashion Pulis. A few minutes before mag 2 hours ako dun, sa sobrang bored ko, gumawa na ako ng mga Ask Me Anything eklaver sa IG stories. Sabi ko it will help me pass time. A few minutes after I posted it, natapos naman yung doctor dun sa patient niya. Lelz.

Finally, they asked me to go inside the clinic. The doctor asked me a lot of questions. He was very thorough. Then he asked if I brought yung thing that went out sa akin. Sabi ko picture lang. I showed it to him. Looks like I had miscarriage daw. If blood clots lang daw kasi, uniform dapat yung kulay. Yung sa akin, iba iba color. Laman talaga.

When I heard him say I had miscarriage, wala na. Tumulo na luha ko without me knowing it. I felt so sad. I was pregnant and I didn’t know?! I lost the baby na hindi ko man lang alam na buntis ako?! What did I do wrong?! I wished Alvin was there with me kasi I felt so alone. Natulala ako. Then napansin ko the doctor was asking me pala something. He was asking if gusto ko ba daw mabuntis. I told him that we have been trying for 7 years now. May mga sinabi pa siya but I honestly, cannot remember anymore. I went back to reality lang when he was giving me na instructions what to do.

He felt my uterus. Parang papsmear yung procedure. He said malambot daw yung hindi ko maalala kung ano yun. He really thinks I had miscarriage.

The doctor said that he needs to run some tests on me as added information. I had to get transvaginal ultrasound, urine test and blood test. Magpregnancy test din daw ako. Pero if it comes out negative, hindi din daw ibig sabihin na I didn’t get pregnant because baka naflush na yung mga hormones and hindi na makuha ng pregnancy test. Bawal daw ako kumain until he sees me and gives me the final diagnosis. May probability daw na iraspa ako.

Taena yan. Wala akong kasama.

After getting all the forms and lab requests, I went out of the clinic para umpisahan na yung mga ipapagawa. I called Alvin. Pigil na pigil yung iyak ko while talking to him. Pero the tears just kept falling. I couldn’t help it. I was trying to get a hold of myself. It was so emotionally painful and I was all alone there. Alvin told me to wait for him. Pupunta siya sa Makati Med from his office in Sta. Rosa.

So in a zombie-like trance, I had my ultrasound and laboratory tests. Anything related to pregnancy, hindi covered ng HMO card namin so I had to cash out. Every time nagaantay ako for whatever, natutulala ako. Then tutulo luha ko. Hindi ko maprocess fully everything.

It was only nung papunta na ako ng laboratory that I remembered na doctor pala sa Makati Med ang bilas ko. However, I didn’t call Tin anymore kasi feeling ko baka pagnakita ko siya, humagulgol ako ng wagas dun.

The ultrasound results came out first. After an hour pa yung lab results. I took the ultrasound reading to the doctor na kasi baka mamya hindi niya ako maantay and umuwi.

The OBGYN said that the ultrasound confirmed that I was pregnant and had miscarriage. Yung kanya daw kasi na observation kanina is based on experience. Kailangan backed up yun ng technical eklaver so yung ultrasound nga yun. He called the doctor who did the ultrasound and asked her if meron ba daw blah blah blah hormones sa left ovary ko. Dun niya kasi sinususpect nanggaling yung egg. The ultrasound doctor confirmed it.

“There you go. You don’t need the pregnancy tests anymore because confirmed na sa ultrasound that you were pregnant.”

Naglaban yung feeling ko na (1) 2,500 pesos talaga yung lab tests and hindi na pala kailangan and (2) nabuntis and nakunan nga ako.

Alvin was with me na that time so medyo hindi na ako nagfeel alone. The doctor said that this happens naman talaga. We can always try again. Next time, first week pa lang ng missed period, check up na agad. And if ma-delay ako, wag muna magboxing or rigorous exercise.

Alvin and I met up with Paul and Tin at one of the restaurants after nun. I appreciate that they took time para kamustahin kami.

We went home after.

I asked if we were going to tell Anika about it. Wag na daw sabi ni Alvin. She never knew naman I was pregnant tapos baka damdamin niya yung loss. What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her. Pagmalaki na lang daw siya namin ikwento.

Janis and Mark visited us last night. They kept us company kasi ang lungkot talaga. When they left, natulala ako and then I cried. I cried a lot and it felt like hindi ako titigil. Ang sama talaga ng loob ko. I felt so bitter. In between heaving and sobbing, I told Alvin na ang mean naman kasi na bibigyan ka ng something you wanted for the longest time then kukunin din from you. Sobrang sakit ng feeling. Para kang pinagtripan ng tadhana.

To be honest, I wish I can tell you that okay lang ako. I wish I can tell you na nagpapakatatag ako. I can’t eh. Gusto ko maghalandusay kaka-iyak. Gusto kong sumigaw na ang unfair! I wish this pain of longing, guilt, heartache, unhappiness and grief will go away. It hurts so bad. Yung mga tao after malaman na I had miscarriage, nagmove on na with their lives. Ako nandito, stuck and feeling all the pain. Nanay kasi eh.

Matindi tinding looking at the brighter side ang kailangan.

Ang gusto ko na lang isipin is at least we have Anika na. She is more than enough and we love her very, very much.

Thank you for all your messages. Hindi man ako makareply, I want you to know that I really appreciate them.