Day 2 Of Sadness

It’s day 2 and things aren’t easier.

Ang sama ng katawan ko yesterday. Parang ngalay na ngalay na tratrangkasuhin. My muscles ached. Feeling ko it was because ang tagal ko nang may menstruation and ang tapang nung antibiotic that I’m drinking 2x a day.

Around 7pm, I had low grade fever na. I felt so cold. Ito yung tipong parang ang hapdi ng skin ko pagtinatamaan ng hangin. I got scared because baka may complications yung miscarriage ko. I went to bed while Anika kept me company.  Anika called Alvin to tell him I’m sick and to go home na. Nasa barko pa ang Alvin so he asked my MIL to go to our house. I asked Anika to call Janis too kasi siya pinakamalapit. I was scared.

I drank paracetamol for my fever and medyo bumaba na siya. When Janis, Ka Lydia and Alvin arrived, sagana ako sa sermon. Bawal daw kumain ng malamig. Eh naubos ko yung half pint ng ice cream yesterday. Nagalit sila more when I told them nagpamasahe ako. I didn’t know na bawal! Ang sakit kasi ng mga kasukasuan ko that’s why I called for a massage. Hindi ko na sinabi na naka-intermittent fasting ako until yesterday baka magwarla sila. Don’t worry though, I’m eating properly now. They’re right. Complete rest talaga ang kailangan and proper nutrition.

However, since I had that episode last night, they are ordering me complete bed rest. Ang kulit ko daw, lakad daw ako ng lakad sa bahay parang supervisor. They said that I should avail the maternity leave kasi benefit ko yun. Ilan na ba maternity leave days ngayon? 2 months? No thank you. I will go crazy staying at home na ganito ka-lungkot. I bargained for 1 week and that’s it. I will stay home for 1 week to rest. That’s the most I can do. Actually, I was planning to go back to work on Monday na. But since I’m still bleeding and latang lata pa talaga ako, sige, magpapahinga ako. They told me that meron akong maternity benefit in SSS na makukuha. I asked magkano ba pinaguusapan natin.

Php 30,000 daw.

Sige kukunin ko yan. Ibibili ko ng bag. Babalutin ko ng lampin and gagawin kong baby.

Joke lang. Ang bitter ko kasi.

Alvin said nasisiraan na daw ako. He’s kidding but it feels like it though. Grief can make you weird.

I feel sad because Alvin didn’t allow me to go with him to Anika’s school to watch Anika’s dance contest today. We will also be forfeiting our passport appointment later this afternoon. Banned pa kami for 30 days from getting another passport renewal in DFA.

ME: Sayang talaga yung Php 2,500 eh

ALVIN: Kelan ka pa nanghinayang sa ganyan?

JANIS: Sayang Php 2,500? Hindi ka manghinayang sa gagastusin mo pagnabinat ka.

Yeah. May binat pala itong miscarriage because it’s as if nanganak ka din. Yun ang isa pang nakakabwisit dito. My body gets all the bad side effects of somebody who gave birth and yet wala namang baby. You should see my annoyed face now.

Anyway, thank you for all the messages that keep on coming. Nakakaoverwhelm din kasi technically we are strangers to each other and yet, grabe yung support niyo. Maraming maraming salamat. Meron din diyan na mga comments na medyo masakit and mga unsolicited advice na hindi talaga okay pero iniisip ko na lang that they mean well. My tips lang to people who want to say something to women who had a miscarriage:

1. Best to leave God out of it lalo na yung “Baka yan ang gusto ni God” kasi hindi talaga cool bakit yan ang gusto ni God for me and not for you.
2. Best sabihin na lang is “I don’t know what to say” or “There are no words to make you feel better” because that is the truth. Walang masasabi ang kahit sino para ikakaganda ng pakiramdam ng isang nanay na nakunan.

One of my long time online mommy friend sent me this and I think it’s beautiful.

What Makes a Mother

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked “What makes a Mother?”
And I know I heard Him say.
“A Mother has a baby”
This we know is true
“But God can you be a Mother,
When your baby’s not with you?”

“Yes, you can,” He replied
With confidence in His voice
“I give many women babies,
When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for the day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there’s no need to stay.”

“I just don’t understand this God
I want my baby to be here.”
He took a deep breath and cleared His throat,
And then I saw the tear.

“I wish I could show you,
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child’s smile,
With all the other children and say…

‘We go to Earth to learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh so much,
But I visit her every day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow’s where I lay

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
Mommy don’t be sad today,
I’m your baby and I’m here.’

“So you see my dear sweet ones,
your children are okay.
Your babies are born here in My home,
And this is where they’ll stay.

They’ll wait for you with Me,
Until your lesson’s through.
And on the day that you come home
they’ll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother,
It’s the feeling in your heart
it’s the love you had so much of
Right from the very start

Though some on earth may not realize,
you are a Mother.
Until their time is done.
They’ll be up here with Me one day
and know that you are the best one!”

Ganda, ano.. I cry every time I read it but it gives me comfort somehow.