Do you remember that party, guys? That was the surprise party for Anika’s 7th birthday. After her blindfold was taken off, she saw all her cousins, classmates and friends. She couldn’t process her feeling so she cried na lang instead. She was crying while I was carrying her for at least 5 minutes. Grabe. It feels like yesterday lang. Ngayon, 7 years later, I find myself navigating the world of teenagers and I tell you, this is a whole different stage of parenthood! Nakakaloka.
One of the questions I am often asked is how am I raising teenage Anika. Nakikita kasi na we’re close and Anika’s thriving. She’s into sports, has good grades, maayos ang set of friends and malapit kay God. I know it’s a journey, this teenage stage and I’m far from that point where I can be judged if tama ba ang mga ginagawa ko now or not. However, so far, so good kami. Thank you, Lord. This is the reason why I made a segment here called Raising Anika Tips.
My first tip is we should have a good communication with our teenagers.
I don’t know when it started but for as long as I can remember, I’ve been teaching and telling Anika that she can tell me anything any time. How?
Well, first, I made sure to make her feel that there’s nothing she can tell me that’s too mababaw and hindi worth my time. Kahit ano pa yan, I listen. Ay wait, to be more specific, I actively listen. Like I ask questions, I nod my head, I make reactions, or I comment every now and then. I’m so engaged to a point na sometimes I feel invested na din ako sa pinagdadaanan niya, ng friends niya, ng kapitbahay ng friends niya, ganun.
Second, I don’t judge. I am very conscious of that. Like in any relationships, if a person feels she’s being judged ng kausap niya, that person will no longer open up to that judgy person. I don’t want that to happen with Anika and me. While she tells me stories and may nasabi siya na parang for me, “umm, mali ah..“, I don’t get mad that easily at her. Hindi ko siya binabara. I just let her talk and talk. Kwento lang ng kwento. Then afterwards, I ask her if I can tell her na my thoughts. Dun ko pinapasok yung mga advices ko and teachings.
Third, I try to avoid lecturing her. Dinadaan ko sa kwento instead of dakdakan siya ng dakdakan. I feel mas papasok sa utak niya the things I want her to remember if hindi parang pagalit ko sasabihin. Otherwise, she’ll just get defensive and completely shut me off. Ayaw natin niyan. So I patiently talk to her as if I’m just making kwento.
Fourth, I share my own experiences para relatable ang dating. I want her to realize that the things that are happening to her now, pinagdaanan ko na din yan. In that way, she gets curious how I went through it. She can learn from me. There’s honesty too. I always try my best to be honest with her. Pagmay sablay ako, I tell her about it in a General Patronage way. Hindi ako perfect and I don’t want Anika to think of me as like that. We all make mistakes in our lives especially when we were younger.
Fifth, I have to reiterate, empathy. I say the words, “Oo nga, tama ka.” or “Eh sira pala yun eh!” or “I know how you feel.” or “Get’s kita diyan” or “Teka, sinabi niya yun?!” something like that. They have to feel that you understand them and nakakarelate ka sa sinasabi nila.
Sixth, I don’t exactly know how it happened but I was able to instill kay Anika respect sa akin. May takot sa akin, not in a very bad way, pero in a sense na alam niya na magagalit talaga ako if she disobeys me. Recently, I permitted her to go out with her friends. Pero nawala siguro sa isip niya, may dinaanan na ibang place na hindi sinabi sa akin. She updates me often when she goes out. She tells me when she leaves the house, when she arrives wherever, pag umalis siya dun and kung lilipat ng pupuntahan. Dapat aware ako dun. When she told me they were going to this certain place, I called her out. Pinagsabihan ko na wala sa usapan yun. She apologized. She apologized again while nasa lakwa. When she got home, dahan dahan pumasok sa room ko. I asked, “Did you have fun?”. She said, “You’re not mad?”. I said, “Did you learn your lesson?”. She enumerated to me her learnings. And then I told her, “I am not mad kasi you learned your lesson. Wag mo lang uulitin.”.
Seventh, I don’t interrupt her or jump into conclusions when she’s telling me something or when she’s opening up to me. I am calm so that she can feel that she’s in a safe place. Minsan I can’t help it, tumataas kilay ko. Then she will say, “Nanay, hear me out first.”. And then I do.
Eighth, we have “low-pressure” casual conversations. We have them while eating or while driving. I treasure those times talaga. Kaya even though I want to go home na and rest after work, I pick her up after training. Traffic pauwi. Madaming kwentuhan.
Ninth, medyo redundant na but I will say it again. As much as possible, I am very conscious of not invalidating what she feels. There are times I explain to her why she feels that way. I help her process it.
Tenth, we like to laugh when we talk. It wasn’t easy the past 2 years pero ngayon bumabawi ako sa kanya.
That’s it, mommies. I hope nakatulong. Bottomline, our kids need to feel that they can open up to us. Ang peg natin is tayo ang takbuhan nila. Hindi kung kani-kanino and it is our job to make them feel safe kausapin tayo.