I get asked a lot how I was able to build a good relationship with Anika. Some envy our closeness while others want to know to prepare for the future teenage children. Mahirap to deal with a teenager ha. It’s a whole new stage of parenting. I know parents with teenagers can relate. Nandiyan yung hormones nila, moods, experiments and kung ano anong issues pa sa buhay.
Firstly, I cannot take all the credit because mabait na bata si Anika. Paano siya naging mabait? I think because I was very conscious and patient in disciplining her when she was younger. Tiynaga ko yan mga bakla pagsabihan, i-upo at kausapin and I really gave time.
At the moment, I am not kampante din because we all know people change, circumstances change. I always pray that this good relationship I have with my daughter will withstand seasons, issues and time. Si God bahala diyan.
Anyways, Anika is very open to me. I know stuff about her. She openly tells me what’s happening to her, her concerns, problems, her hopes and dreams.. as in lahat talaga. Normal ang ganitong messages or calls from her: “Nanay! Where are you na?! What time will you be home?! OMG I need to kwento you something!” or “Nanay, go home na please! I’m so sad!” or “Nanay, you will never guess what happened!”
So how did I keep Anika close to me and have this bestfriends-but-still-with-respect-to-authority relationship with her?
First and ito na talaga yung pinaka-tip ko to parents, NEVER KO SIYANG BINARA. Ano ba sa english yun? “I never shut her down.” Basta ganun. I never undermine her feeling and thoughts. We process these together. I help her understand them. I don’t tell her na she’s shallow or walang kwenta yung sinasabi niya or concerns niya. Regardless if it’s an idea, a dream, a joke or a thought lang, as in never talaga. Whatever issues or concerns she has, I listen to her. I patiently explain to her. I don’t judge her but I correct her if she’s wrong. I make her understand. Tiyagaan talaga. I think if parents do the opposite of this, the kids will feel hesitant in sharing what’s on their minds and hearts. Yan yung iniiwasan ko. Magsecret ng kung ano ano sa akin. I want to be able to know what she is thinking and feeling so that I can guide her in preparation for the real world.
Second, I know all her friends. I know her manliligaws. I am friends with them. Her friends actually like me for some reasons. Maybe because I listen to them too. And I chaperone Anika whenever she goes out with them. Chaperone in a way na hindi naman ako buntot ng buntot sa kanila (I did that when she was younger, nakakapagod lol). I bring her where she’s supposed to be. I wait around the area. I have Life 360 with her. I pick her up and bring her home.
Third, I admit to her when I am wrong. I apologize. Hindi ako almighty na parent. I do not give her the impression that I can never do wrong and I am of another being in a sense na excempted ako pag may mali ako ako sa kanya and never magsosorry.
Fourth, I show up. Consistently. I am there in all school programs and events. I am there in every volleyball game. I am there during doctor visits. I am there in the good times and bad. Consistently. Hindi kung kelan lang convenient sa akin. That’s another thing I always thank God for. I am grateful that He gave me a job and bosses who understands that I am a mother first and foremost. Because I show up consistently, Anika was able to feel that I am reliable. When there’s trouble, I am the first person she calls. She is not afraid that I will get mad. Well, she gets afraid but she knows better. She knows that, yes, I will get mad, but it will be a lot, lot better for everyone, if she tells me agad.
Fifth, I respect her independence. She communicates to me whenever she needs her alone time during the day. I don’t bother her during this time. Nasa room lang siya. But she knows hindi unli ang alone time. Before I was a helicopter parent. I think it was brought by my anxiety. I have learned to relax all these years. I have learned to let go little by little. I let her decide on things appropriate for her age. We cannot smother our kids, I know. We don’t want them naman na nakaasa lang sa lahat with us until they’re adults na and all.
Other tips are they typical and obvious ones: good communication with each other, spending quality time together often, laughing together and praying together.
Again, I pray that Anika and I maintain this good relationship we have. Continuous effort, I guess? Do you guys have other tips?