Before I start, I have to say, itong pants ko na yan sa photo sa taas, magpapapayat muna ako ulit ng husto before I wear it again. Sobrang sumikip, mga bakla! Halos hindi dumaloy yung dugo sa legs ko sa sikip! Hay. I dunno ba. I watch what I eat naman but I’m still getting fatter. I am starting to blame the pills that I’m taking. Nakakataba yung pills, right? Yun na siguro yun. Siya ang may kasalanan sa lahat ng ito.
Anyway, recently, in a family gathering, one of Alvin’s aunts told me, “Alam mo Nana, parang never kita nakitang nakasimangot. Lagi ka na lang nakatawa and masaya.”
Talaga ba? But I don’t feel happy all the time. Feeling ko nga lagi akong may concerns eh. Especially with my anxiety disorder, I have a lot of issues that I deal with myself everyday. It’s surprising that to them, I look happy all the time.
Though, I try my best naman talaga to be happy. Gusto ko happy and positive always. However sometimes, I have a hard time because I have GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder).
Sa mga bago here sa blog, lemme tell you the gist about anxiety disorder?
It’s normal to feel anxious sometimes. It’s inevitable. Kinakabahan ka if you need to talk in front of a lot of people. You get nervous about the future. People like me who have anxiety disorders, feel them differently. We feel them like 100x worse.
“Anxiety disorders are real, serious medical conditions – just as real and serious as physical disorders such as heart disease or diabetes. Anxiety disorders are the most common and pervasive mental disorders in the United States.
The term “anxiety disorder” refers to specific psychiatric disorders that involve extreme fear or worry, and includes generalized anxiety disorder (GAD), panic disorder and panic attacks, agoraphobia, social anxiety disorder, selective mutism, separation anxiety, and specific phobias.
Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) is characterized by persistent and excessive worry about a number of different things. People with GAD may anticipate disaster and may be overly concerned about money, health, family, work, or other issues. Individuals with GAD find it difficult to control their worry. They may worry more than seems warranted about actual events or may expect the worst even when there is no apparent reason for concern.
When their anxiety level is mild to moderate or with treatment, people with GAD can function socially, have full and meaningful lives, and be gainfully employed. Many with GAD may avoid situations because they have the disorder or they may not take advantage of opportunities due to their worry (social situations, travel, promotions, etc). Some people can have difficulty carrying out the simplest daily activities when their anxiety is severe.”
That’s anxiety from Anxiety and Depression Association of America. It is caused by stress, genetics, brain chemistry, traumatic events, or environmental factors (source).
My anxiety manifests in differents ways. There are times na in the middle ng tawa ako ng tawa bigla ako magkaka-panic attacks without any reasons at all. I would stop and control my breathing because my heart will be palpitating so hard. It’s as if may danger na paparating but I do not know about it. There are also mornings that when I wake up, sobrang bilis ng heart beat ko. When I check it, 100 beats per minute! Kakagising ko lang ha pero my heart is running as if nagjogging ako. There are times while I’m driving to work or driving home, bigla ako aatakihin ng sobrang takot na baka mamatay si Alvin or Anika. This will make me cry so hard.
Out of the blue lahat yun.
I also noticed that since being diagnosed with GAD in the last quarter of 2017, yung resilience ko when dealing with problems, parang bumaba. Stressful situations that usually chini-chicken ko lang before, affects me so much. Hindi ako makakain. My stomach gets upset so I start vomiting and start having LBM. Siyempre, manlalata ka na niyan. And then I worry about the worst case scenarios agad. Pag-ganyan, hindi ako nakakaisip ng maayos.
It fucking annoys me.
Especially when I know na isa akong palaban na tao and hindi ako lalambot lambot.
I keep saying na this disorder is hard to explain to people who do not have it. Ang pinaka-explanation ko is parang meron kang kasuntukan tapos game na game ka pero hindi ka makalaban because may trangkaso ka. Yung suntukan is your everyday challenges (big and small) then yung flu mo is the anxiety disorder. You cannot help it when you have it. Alam mo ba kelan ka tratrangkasuhin? Hindi di ba? All you know is you have to rest and take your meds to get better. Ganyan din ang anxiety disorder.
It’s a daily battle for people who have this disorder. There are happy days and there are hard days. Extra effort ka during hard days: extra meditating, extra time praying, more time doing exercises, more pep talk to yourself, more convincing yourself that things will get better.
The reason why I’m writing about this now is because we need to check our friends and our loved ones. Baka tumatawa sila on the outside pero inside is a different story. Di ba they said pagnangamusta ka daw dapat ganito:
“How are you?”
“No really. How are you talaga?”
Double check ganun.
For some reasons, maybe because naghahanap din ako ng mga taong tulad ko, I googled famous people with anxiety and I was surprised sino sino sila.
- Ophra Winfrey
- Missy Elliot
- Jennifer Lawrence
- Emma Stone
- Prince Harry
- Lili Reinhart (Betty in Riverdale)
There are a lot more well known people who opened up about their anxiety disorder. You can’t tell they have it by just looking at them.
So anong learnings dito?
Be kind to everyone because you do not know what they are going through behind those smiles.
Tama naman, di ba? =)