The Elephant In The Room

Written last May 2022 and stored in my blog drafts:

A few days before Anika and I left for our one month US trip, I was in a mall. I was walking towards the restaurant where I wanted to eat. In front of me (around 3 meters away siguro yun) was an old couple. Mga in their early 70s siguro na sila. Matanda na sila. They were walking to the direction where I was walking too. Suddenly they stopped and faced me. The lolo was holding his cellphone up and was gesturing to his wife to look at his phone because he wanted to do a selfie together. I stopped walking too and waited so that hindi ko sila ma-photobomb. The wife got shy and was gently hitting the lolo na parang nakakahiya kasi they were in a public place. The lolo was laughing and saying, “Sige na. Isang picture lang.“. The lola then smiled at the camera and after the click of the camera, she gently hit the lolo again as if saying “nakakahiya ka“. The lolo was smiling in satisfaction because he got his selfie with his wife. He was still smiling while looking at their photo in his phone while his other hand was hinahabol his wife para akbayan. And then they walked away from me holding hands.

I started walking and before I knew it, I choked up and tears started falling from my eyes.

That was all I have ever wanted in life. To grow old with the one I love, being silly and happy together.

And yet, here I am.

I don’t know if all people who come from a broken family can relate to me when I say that growing up, I swore that never mangyayari sa future family ko yung nangyari sa family ko. And that my kids will never experience what I went through with separated parents.

And yet, eto nga ako ngayon.

In a marriage, people admittedly make mistakes. Like sana ganito na lang ang ginawa ko, or sana ni-let go ko na lang yung ganito, or sana hindi ko na lang ginawa or sinabi ito, or sana I was more ganito na lang.

Sana, sana, sana…

Don’t get me wrong. Hindi naman ako lahat. We know damn well that ALWAYS, it takes two to tango. Both parties may pagkukulang and may mistakes in the course of the marriage. We both acknowledged and accepted that fact.

The first few months were excruciatingly difficult. F*ck, it was hell. Nataon pang holidays and birthday ko so talagang parang sinasaksak yung puso ko araw araw. I was in survival mode and at the same time dala naming dalawa yung feelings ni Anika. Gusto ko lang nakatulala lagi and umiyak but I can’t. I needed to function and act okay because I need to go to work and especially sa bahay because nakasubaybay yung bata. If it were up to me, hihiga lang ako the whole day, 24/7, and matutulog wishing when I wake up, it was all just a very bad dream.

Before I continue, sa mga nagbabasa nito now, hindi ko sinasabi na ako lang ang nasaktan or nasasaktan. No. Hindi ganun.

Fast forward to present, after a lot of psychotherapy, counseling and meet ups with my close friends, I can say that I am better compared to the first 6 months. Nope, I’m not okay yet. I don’t know if I will ever be, to be honest, but my coping mechanism has improved. I am slowly learning to love myself more, forgive myself and I have surrendered everything up to God. I learned that there are things that I cannot control. Si God na ang bahala. Thy will be done, ika nga nila.

It also helped that we have kept our communication lines open especially when it comes to Anika. We talk and we are amicable. I think we are able to be like this because Anika is very important to both of us. Yes, Anika knows already. She knows about our current status and that we are still trying to figure things out. She said that ang important daw sa kanya is that her parents are friends and don’t fight. So far, ganun naman kami. I told Anika that she can talk to me anytime and if she has concerns or questions, we will drop everything just to listen and talk to her. Isang tawag lang niya to either of us, nandun kami agad agad. Dumating na nga yung point na sawa na siya makipagusap sa akin eh. On my part, I am just making sure she’s okay. Pinagdaanan ko yung pinagdadaanan niya ngayon. I know how it is.

In fairness to us, I can say that we co-parent well. Hindi kami magka-away. Hindi kami nagbabangayan. And we promised each other that neither one should say anything bad against the other sa harap ng bata. That is very important. We both show up at occasions like Anika’s birthday, Anika’s graduation, parties ng friends ni Anika or at Anika’s volleyball trainings and games.  We message each other pagkailangan regarding arrangements for Anika. It’s one thing I am thankful for. The father of my daughter is present in her life.

I pray for that everyday. I pray that we co-parent ng maayos, not for me but for Anika’s sake. At this point, si Anika ang priority namin.

And that is the elephant in the room.

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PRESENT TIME (update)

This trauma triggered the anxiety disorder and then later on became anxiety depression. I was in rock bottom and it was not a pretty place to be. Ga-buhok na lang ang kapit ko. Kung hindi lang talaga dahil kay Anika, I don’t know where I’ll be now. The mother in me was the one who kept me alive. But it was so d*mn hard to go through each day in that season especially the second year when the meds were being withdrawn. Ang dami kong learnings. I should not rely in one person for happiness and for my self-worth. Hindi sila permanent sa buhay ko. Si God lang ang permanent so only He should be our source of happiness.

I lost 36 lbs. I was bone thin — thinnest I have ever been in my entire life. Kita sa mukha ko yung sadness. I got into organic supplements, holistic healing, still having my therapies but ngayon more on how to become a better person na and how to manage anxiety and worry. I got myself a gym membership and everyday nageexercise ako. Magastos pero ayaw ko na lang magdwell dun. I am doing everything to get better.

The important thing is that I am better now. Waves of anxiety, worry and dread still comes every day, varying in intensity. I think that is given because nabago talaga buhay ko eh. Naging single mom ako. I am learning how to live with the new circumstances. Hindi ako pinapabayaan ng Diyos. Sa Kanya ako nakakapit talaga.

I cannot wait to give my testimonial when I am fully healed na. How would I know if I am healed already? I don’t know too. I don’t even know if there’s such thing as fully healed. For the meantime, I am thankful for what I have. My beautiful and kind daughter is with me and I continue to make memories with her. The people na natira sa buhay ko ngayon are those na masasabi ko na people ko talaga. I wouldn’t trade them for anything.

I have always been saying sana bumalik na ako sa normal. But like fully healing, I don’t think may ganun sa pagbalik sa normal self. Trauma does that to you. I will never be the same. Ngayon, new normal na ang lahat sa akin eh. But I know, after all that inner work (which I am continuously doing) and all my learnings, I am a better person now compared to the time this all started.

Looking forward to Fleur 2.0.