Mommy Fleur

Written last May 2022 and stored in my blog drafts:

A few days before Anika and I left for our one month US trip, I was in a mall. I was walking towards the restaurant where I wanted to eat. In front of me (around 3 meters away siguro yun) was an old couple. Mga in their early 70s siguro na sila. Matanda na sila. They were walking to the direction where I was walking too. Suddenly they stopped and faced me. The lolo was holding his cellphone up and was gesturing to his wife to look at his phone because he wanted to do a selfie together. I stopped walking too and waited so that hindi ko sila ma-photobomb. The wife got shy and was gently hitting the lolo na parang nakakahiya kasi they were in a public place. The lolo was laughing and saying, “Sige na. Isang picture lang.“. The lola then smiled at the camera and after the click of the camera, she gently hit the lolo again as if saying “nakakahiya ka“. The lolo was smiling in satisfaction because he got his selfie with his wife. He was still smiling while looking at their photo in his phone while his other hand was hinahabol his wife para akbayan. And then they walked away from me holding hands.

I started walking and before I knew it, I choked up and tears started falling from my eyes.

That was all I have ever wanted in life. To grow old with the one I love, being silly and happy together.

And yet, here I am.

I don’t know if all people who come from a broken family can relate to me when I say that growing up, I swore that never mangyayari sa future family ko yung nangyari sa family ko. And that my kids will never experience what I went through with separated parents.

And yet, eto nga ako ngayon.

In a marriage, people admittedly make mistakes. Like sana ganito na lang ang ginawa ko, or sana ni-let go ko na lang yung ganito, or sana hindi ko na lang ginawa or sinabi ito, or sana I was more ganito na lang.

Sana, sana, sana…

Don’t get me wrong. Hindi naman ako lahat. We know damn well that ALWAYS, it takes two to tango. Both parties may pagkukulang and may mistakes in the course of the marriage. We both acknowledged and accepted that fact.

The first few months were excruciatingly difficult. F*ck, it was hell. Nataon pang holidays and birthday ko so talagang parang sinasaksak yung puso ko araw araw. I was in survival mode and at the same time dala naming dalawa yung feelings ni Anika. Gusto ko lang nakatulala lagi and umiyak but I can’t. I needed to function and act okay because I need to go to work and especially sa bahay because nakasubaybay yung bata. If it were up to me, hihiga lang ako the whole day, 24/7, and matutulog wishing when I wake up, it was all just a very bad dream.

Before I continue, sa mga nagbabasa nito now, hindi ko sinasabi na ako lang ang nasaktan or nasasaktan. No. Hindi ganun.

Fast forward to present, after a lot of psychotherapy, counseling and meet ups with my close friends, I can say that I am better compared to the first 6 months. Nope, I’m not okay yet. I don’t know if I will ever be, to be honest, but my coping mechanism has improved. I am slowly learning to love myself more, forgive myself and I have surrendered everything up to God. I learned that there are things that I cannot control. Si God na ang bahala. Thy will be done, ika nga nila.

It also helped that we have kept our communication lines open especially when it comes to Anika. We talk and we are amicable. I think we are able to be like this because Anika is very important to both of us. Yes, Anika knows already. She knows about our current status and that we are still trying to figure things out. She said that ang important daw sa kanya is that her parents are friends and don’t fight. So far, ganun naman kami. I told Anika that she can talk to me anytime and if she has concerns or questions, we will drop everything just to listen and talk to her. Isang tawag lang niya to either of us, nandun kami agad agad. Dumating na nga yung point na sawa na siya makipagusap sa akin eh. On my part, I am just making sure she’s okay. Pinagdaanan ko yung pinagdadaanan niya ngayon. I know how it is.

In fairness to us, I can say that we co-parent well. Hindi kami magka-away. Hindi kami nagbabangayan. And we promised each other that neither one should say anything bad against the other sa harap ng bata. That is very important. We both show up at occasions like Anika’s birthday, Anika’s graduation, parties ng friends ni Anika or at Anika’s volleyball trainings and games.  We message each other pagkailangan regarding arrangements for Anika. It’s one thing I am thankful for. The father of my daughter is present in her life.

I pray for that everyday. I pray that we co-parent ng maayos, not for me but for Anika’s sake. At this point, si Anika ang priority namin.

And that is the elephant in the room.

———————————————

PRESENT TIME (update)

This trauma triggered the anxiety disorder and then later on became anxiety depression. I was in rock bottom and it was not a pretty place to be. Ga-buhok na lang ang kapit ko. Kung hindi lang talaga dahil kay Anika, I don’t know where I’ll be now. The mother in me was the one who kept me alive. But it was so d*mn hard to go through each day in that season especially the second year when the meds were being withdrawn. Ang dami kong learnings. I should not rely in one person for happiness and for my self-worth. Hindi sila permanent sa buhay ko. Si God lang ang permanent so only He should be our source of happiness.

I lost 36 lbs. I was bone thin — thinnest I have ever been in my entire life. Kita sa mukha ko yung sadness. I got into organic supplements, holistic healing, still having my therapies but ngayon more on how to become a better person na and how to manage anxiety and worry. I got myself a gym membership and everyday nageexercise ako. Magastos pero ayaw ko na lang magdwell dun. I am doing everything to get better.

The important thing is that I am better now. Waves of anxiety, worry and dread still comes every day, varying in intensity. I think that is given because nabago talaga buhay ko eh. Naging single mom ako. I am learning how to live with the new circumstances. Hindi ako pinapabayaan ng Diyos. Sa Kanya ako nakakapit talaga.

I cannot wait to give my testimonial when I am fully healed na. How would I know if I am healed already? I don’t know too. I don’t even know if there’s such thing as fully healed. For the meantime, I am thankful for what I have. My beautiful and kind daughter is with me and I continue to make memories with her. The people na natira sa buhay ko ngayon are those na masasabi ko na people ko talaga. I wouldn’t trade them for anything.

I have always been saying sana bumalik na ako sa normal. But like fully healing, I don’t think may ganun sa pagbalik sa normal self. Trauma does that to you. I will never be the same. Ngayon, new normal na ang lahat sa akin eh. But I know, after all that inner work (which I am continuously doing) and all my learnings, I am a better person now compared to the time this all started.

Looking forward to Fleur 2.0.

A blog reader messaged me today. She was making me kamusta and asking how I am. She knows kasi that I went through a “phase” in 2018 and then miscarried this year. She wanted to know how I am na after those series of bad events.

Yan ang love na love ko sa inyo guys. We may not know each other personally pero nakaka-touch din talaga yung care niyo sa akin. I have received a lot of messages during that time and I still get some ngayon na nangangamusta. Kaya nga despite having mga hanash like the anxiety disorder and my miscarriage, I remain thankful kasi hindi lahat ng tao who are undergoing difficulties in life have people like you. Maraming salamat talaga.

Anyway, this blog readers was making me kamusta because parang daw nagka-sunod sunod yung “unos” ko in life. I just got over the anxiety disorder then dumating naman yung bagong challenge — the miscarriage. Hindi ba daw ako inatake ng anxiety ko. To tell you the truth, I didn’t get attacks. Maybe I was so busy self-pitying and trying to make sense bakit nangyari sa akin yun that there wasn’t a time na atakihin ako. That’s the only reasonable explanation that I can give. One of my mommy friends suggested to me that I see my psychiatrist para magkaron daw ako ng “debriefing” after the miscarriage. Para mai-labas ko daw baka may mga bad feelings pa ako na kinikimkim. I have yet to do that but I am planning to do so soon.

Since I had anxiety disorder and we all know that it can be triggered anytime, she was asking me for tips on what to do if you have anxiety disorder. All people experience anxiety. Nagiging disorder siya if it affects your day to day. You need to see a specialist if it comes to a point that you cannot function anymore.

Ever since I told you guys about my anxiety disorder, I’ve been receiving at least 3 messages from different people about it every week. Consistent yan ha? There are a lot of people opening up na about this mental illness and I am happy that I am able to help them understand it. You can read my first entry regarding tips for people with anxiety here. Medyo detailed na yan.

I would just like to add more tips that I have learned along the way.

One, know your triggers. Identify them. What I did before was I kept a journal. I wrote what happened everyday and I rated my anxiety 1 to 10. This way, I was able to see what I was doing when I had my attacks. I studied myself well talaga. Tiyagaan eh. I was thinking, you have to know your enemy so you can fight it. I learned that caffeine intake, loss of a loved one, fighting with Alvin, doing nothing and the feeling of uncertainty of the future are the factors that trigger my anxiety. So I cut down my caffeine intake. And then pagmay nagkaka-sakit ako na loved one especially Alvin and Anika, I psych myself up na wag maging anxious because it doesn’t mean that they will die. I didn’t fight with Alvin over petty things and I kept myself busy by working, blogging and exercising. Knowing what triggers your anxiety will enable you to anticipate if ever you will have an attack. Malalabanan mo na. Don’t worry if it’s hard at first. As you go along, you will get a hang of it. It will be easy na for you to manage your anxiety.

Two, if you feel like you’re having an attack, do the 54321 Grounding Technique. This is how it works: Look around the room and name 5 things that you can see. Then name 4 things that you can feel (cool air, etc). Then name 3 things you can hear right now. Then name 2 things you can smell. Then name 1 place you’d want to visit or be in now. This greatly helped me during that time. Nawawala kasi sa isip ko yung anxiety. You can google other Grounding Techniques online and you can experiment ano yung pinaka-effective for you. In some times naman, sumasali ako sa usapan ng ibang tao. Ayun, nawawala din yung feeling of being anxious because nabu-busy ako makipagchismisan.

Three, detach yourself sometimes from the world. Do not be overly concerned masyado with other people or what they think of you especially when you’re having attacks. Remember that there will be a lot of people out there who will say na wala lang yan. Hindi kasi lahat nakaka-intindi. Wag mo silang pansinin and wag ka magpa-apekto. You do not owe anybody any explanation. Wala ka din utang na loob gawin ano gusto or ineexpect nila from you. Example, I didn’t want to go out during that period when I was having sunod sunod na attacks. I wanted to be by myself or only with Alvin and Anika only. If ever abutan naman ako sa labas, lumalayo talaga ako sa tao. As long as hindi naman ako nambabastos, wapakels ako. This happens sometimes sa gimikan eh. Tumatahimik ako because inaatake ako. Kinakalkal ko phone ko just to take my mind off it. Minsan paghindi nakakaintindi, naiinis sa akin pero wala talaga akong pakialam sa kanila. Busy ako ayusin sarili ko at that moment. Iisipin ko pa ba ano tingin nila sa akin? You shouldn’t too.

Four, open up to your loved ones. One thing that makes me sad is when I hear a person who has anxiety attacks say na wala daw siyang mapagsabihan because the people surrounding the doesn’t understand what she’s going through. Imagine how alone that person feels? You know at first, Alvin’s doesn’t understand this sickness. Wala sa vocabulary niya ito. He thought maarte lang meron nito or yung mayayaman. Sakit mayaman daw *eyeroll*. Pero he forced himself to understand and be there for me. Wala eh. Sa kanya talaga ako huhugot ng lakas sa mga pagkakataon na yun. Si Pineda nung una hindi din niya gets. But later on, she read all about it and how she can support me. Na-touch talaga ako dun. Si Wowa ganyan din sa start pero eventually inintindi din niya. I cannot stress how important a support group is to a person with this kind of illness. It can make or break you eh. If wala talaga, nandito naman ako to listen. But I strongly suggest you see a psychiatrist or a professional. Malaking tulong ang therapy nila.

You can also join support groups. Member ako nung isa niyan, sa Facebook. You can just click the link. Madami makakatulong sa inyo dun.

Five, having said number 4, sadly, you have to stay away from people who cannot understand you. I already mentioned this when I first wrote about it but I want to reiterate it. It’s super important eh. Stay away from people who will just berate you for feeling that way. For the meantime lang naman until you get better lang. Minimize your conversations/interactions with this person especially if they make you feel worse. We cannot blame them though. Kanya kanya din kasi ng beliefs yan and I have proven, there are a lot of Filipinos who still cannot accept mental illness. For me, I don’t get mad at them. I still keep them in my life because I love them. However, I never talk to them anymore about anxiety to avoid conflicts. Ayaw ko na kasi magexplain kaya ayaw ko na lang pagusapan.

Ang hirap kaya magexplain talaga nito to people who never had it or are in denial that they have it.

So there. Those are the additional tips that I can give you guys.

I had my check up with my OBGYN last Monday. I was hoping to be able to get a fit to work certificate already. However, I am still moderately bleeding which apparently is not good. Plus my uterus daw has not shrunk yet so I need more rest. Another week daw and then I have to go back for a check up again.

One more week of house arrest. I’ve gained 10 lbs already with all the kain-tulog-Netflix that I have been doing. Mahirap na naman magpapayat. Kamote.

I know that people are telling me that I should take this opportunity to relax. Lagi daw ako nasa work so samantalahin ko na ang pagrerelax na ito. I know they mean well and I see the sense in what they’re saying. However, na-realize ko though that staying at home na hindi ako pwede gumalaw, stresses me more than relaxes me. Hahahaha! It may work for some people but it’s just not me. Nakakapalpitate to a point that I was stressing na paano pa when I’m retired na. What will I do?!?!

And then a few nights ago, I was chatting with Pineda. She told me that she’s watching Heal at Netflix. Recommended daw sa akin. I watched it this morning and I must say that I like it. It says there that our chronic illness (actually almost all illnesses) are brought about stress and negative thoughts. Parang we should always have a positive outlook in our life. Walang stress as much as possible because yung stress creates toxins in our body making us sick. Kasama na diyan of course na dapat we eat healthy food, drink natural supplements and have a good and steady support group. Lahat nagcocontribute dapat sa happy hormones because Oxycontin helps fight killer cells in our body . Ang galing ng documentary na ito. It makes me want to look for a “healer” both psychological and physical. Spiritual therapist ata is the more appropriate name for them. Naisip ko tuloy, we need talaga a life coach that we should consult with every now and then. I’m not sure kasi if we have spiritual therapist here but I am sure there are life coaches. Because in the end, mind over matter ang lumalabas. If you have a positive mindset, it gives natural healing to the body. Meditation was highly recommended to fight stress and I swear to myself that I will do meditation every morning na talaga. I will allot 15 minutes of my morning for it. It helped me overcome my anxiety disorder so I have proven to myself that it’s really helpful for me.

Watch niyo din guys. Maganda. It gives a different insight about our mind and body.

Anyhow, hindi talaga yan ang dapat ibablog ko supposedly hehe. Napahaba lang ang intro ko. I’ve had a few realizations these past few days. Staying at home doing nothing can open your eyes to a lot of things.

One, I wish I gave more empathy to my mom friends who lost their babies to miscarriage or to whatever reason why their babies died. I’m sorry I didn’t know how painful it was and how the pain will be carried years after the losing of the baby. I just hugged them and went my way. Had I known, I would have hugged them longer, treated them to Samgyupsal or something (you know their feelings with them) and just empathized with them longer. You’ll never know how much it hurts and how it changes ones life not unless you experience miscarriage.

Two, I have a lot of unread books! My goodness. I was staring at my bookshelves and I have A LOT of unopened books. And then Toots’ girlfriend, Russ, told me last weekend that the Big Bad Wolf is coming again this month. I kennat. Books on sale ay hindi kaya ng very low EQ ko. Nevertheless, yesterday we didn’t have internet so I was able to finish 4 books. Ganun ako ka-bored.

Three, if you are not doing anything, it seems that all people are busy. Even Anika. Grabe. The more I stay at home, the more I feel that I’m not cut to be a housewife. Although, in fairness to my situation, pinahilata lang talaga nila ako 24/7. However, ang problema, kahit naka-hilata lang ako, gastos ako ng gastos. I couldn’t cook so padeliver ako ng padeliver ng food because I wanted to you know, eat my feelings too. I was always at the Honestbee website having kung ano anong groceries delivered to our house. Don’t get me started with Monterey. Bestfriends na kami nung operator kaka-padeliver. And I have just discovered Grab. I never knew pwede kang magpabili kay Grab ng kung ano ano. Hinahanap ko nga yung Mango or Zara sa choices, apparently, shopping services aren’t opened yet. Niloolook forward ko yun.

Fourth, have you guys paid 100% attention to your kid or spouse lately? I realized I don’t do that often. Whenever Anika tells me something about school, half of my mind is listening to her but the other half is either thinking about work or thinking about the things that I have to do. I’ve been guilty of that. These past few days however, wala akong choice to give 100% full attention to her because wala akong ibang mabigat na iniisip. All that I needed to think about, napagisipan ko na during the day while waiting for her to come home. When she comes home from school, ang dami niyang kwento! I look at her eyes whenever she tells me her stories. It’s called daw ENGAGED LISTENING. Ito yung talagang inaabsorb mo what they’re telling you. Not only you’re listening but you also ask follow up questions as well. Para lang pagnakikinig ka sa isang napaka-juicy na chismis sa kumare mo. Ganyang level of attention ang nabigay ko kay Anika these past few days. I’m happy I was able to do that. I am amazed how animated my daughter can get. She’s really smart too. If you listen to her well, akala mo mga babble lang pero ang galing ng analysis niya sa mga bagay bagay.

And have you guys played with your kids na walang ibang iniintidi? If not yet, you should try it. No phones and no distractions. Ang sarap ng feeling and it’s a lot more fun. I think they appreciate it more too. I sincerely believe in quality time over quantity talaga. I realized I should do this more often. I also get to know Anika more. She’s growing up na eh. And I am able to understand her way of thinking by truly engaging with her. Malaking bagay yan mga bakla di ba? Especially papasok na sila sa Tween years nila.

Finally, I know by next week I will be back to being that workaholic, busy woman again, however, sana I will remember how it is to detach myself from all the busy-ness in my world and concentrate more on what’s really important which is my family and my health. Kailangan din ng katawan kasi natin ito eh, yung magpahinga. I don’t know if my miscarriage happened for a reason (ang mean kasi for me if it did eh) but if totoo nga for a reason, I think the world is telling me that I have to slow down. Ayaw ko magslow down so it made me slow down ng wala akong choice.

Watch niyo mga bakla yung Heal in Netflix. Ang daming matututunan.

I’ve been reading a lot about what I need to know after a miscarriage. Naprapraning kasi ako because until now, I still have menstruation. Lumalabas, 10 days na ako bleeding. Hindi kaya maubos yung dugo ko? Sana fats na lang ang lumalabas sa akin and not blood. Matutuwa pa ako. I read online that it’s expected that I will bleed for at most 2 weeks. I have to stock up pala with sanitary napkins. Speaking of which, I have been meaning to tell you about it, I recommend Kotex Luxe.

Nakunan na, nakapagendorse pa.

Have you tried this? First, ang arte ng packaging niya which I like. The wrapper of the individually packed sanitary pads have design. Hindi mo halatang napkin if found in your bag. Akala mo nga, notepad eh. Second, it’s really thin and absorbent. Very nice.

I have to stock up on this if 2 weeks pa ako rereglahin.

Anyway, I also ready online that miscarriages are not caused by stress. Ha! I told Alvin about it.

ME: Babe, sabi dito sa binabasa ko sa internet, yung miscarriage daw aren’t caused by stress.

ALVIN: Kita mo ikaw. Sabi mo kahapon kaya ka kumain ng ice cream and nagpamasahe kasi wala naman sinabi OB mo. Naniniwala ka sa OB mo. Pero sinabi ng OB mo na pwedeng nagcause ng miscarriage ay stress. Ngayon, ayaw mo na maniwala.

ME: Hindi naman. Nabasa ko lang.

ALVIN: Hay naku Anika! Kausapin mo nga tong Nanay mo.

I looked at Anika.

ANIKA: Hi.

They make me smile nowadays.

I also read online that there are stages that mothers go through after a miscarriage.

1. Shock and denial – done that
2. Anger – currently patapos na with that.
3. Guilt – going through that -> I wish I knew I was pregnant. I would have taken cared of myself better.
4. Lack of control – dito daw pumapasok yung “what if” and “why” questions
5. Acceptance – I’m looking forward to coming in terms with this loss and heal.

Last night I couldn’t sleep. I was talking to a half asleep Alvin. I was trying to figure out when I got pregnant. I realized I was pregnant na siguro during my birthday. Sayang. It would have been a very happy celebration. Figures now why I wanted to eat rice so much that time. I don’t usually like eating rice. Sign na dapat yun. To torture myself more, I even estimated the month when the baby would have been born. Either July or August siguro. May bagong baby sana on our 10th year wedding anniversary in September.

I’m like that now. Tears have slowed down. Madalas lang ako natutulala. Although hindi na ako masyadong umiiyak, I can’t stop thinking about it. I spent a large about of time reading miscarriages quotes in Pinterest yesterday. It comforts me. Alvin asked me kahapon, “Ano ba ang magpapasaya sayo?” and I thought about it.

What will make me feel better?

Hugs siguro. Madaming madaming yakap. I told Alvin if he can hug me more this coming days. I need it.

Entertainer. Yung taong magkukwento lang ng magkukwento about positive and funny things habang nakatulala ako.

A visit to a church. Hindi pa ako pinapayagan ni Alvin tumayo and umalis ng house. If I can na, I want to go to a church. Maraming akong tanong kay God. May altar naman daw kami dito sa house. Bakit hindi daw ako dito magdasal? I don’t know. To tell you the truth, ever since I found out about the miscarriage, I haven’t “talked” to God yet. Parang nirereserve ko sa one on one with him. I know I will feel a lot better after talking with him.

Milk tea. Faye and I ordered milk tea yesterday from Cha Time. Milk tea with mouse. Masarap din.

Conti’s Mango Tart. Or Kumori’s Hanjuku Cheese or Salted Cheese Yakigashi. Or Conti’s Baked Prawns or Salmon.

Isabel. Ang lakas makagood vibes ni Isabel. I mood lifted when she and Faye visited me yesterday.

And it’s only been the weekend and I’m bored here just lying down in our living room. Ayoko tumabay sa bedroom kasi feeling ko may sakit ako. At least dito sa sala, I can trick my mind that I’m just chilling in the house. Kung hanggang kailan pwede ko lokohin utak ko, I don’t know. Nawiwindang ako if nakapetiks lang sa house. Bawal pa gumalaw galaw. MagMarie Kondo sana ako kaso mukhang strenuous ang labanan sa mga gamit ko. Netflix is my new best friend. I’m starting on the Lucifer series as recommended by Abeth. Nakakaaliw. What are your other suggested Netflix movies and shows?

Buti na lang talaga may blog. It really helps.

I got my medical certificate yesterday. Two weeks pala ang suggested rest by the doctor. I hope I can get a fit to work before next weekend. Hindi talaga ako sanay ng walang ginagawa. I need to work or to do things to keep my mind preoccupied.

Thank you still for all the messages that keep on coming. I really appreciate them.

It’s day 2 and things aren’t easier.

Ang sama ng katawan ko yesterday. Parang ngalay na ngalay na tratrangkasuhin. My muscles ached. Feeling ko it was because ang tagal ko nang may menstruation and ang tapang nung antibiotic that I’m drinking 2x a day.

Around 7pm, I had low grade fever na. I felt so cold. Ito yung tipong parang ang hapdi ng skin ko pagtinatamaan ng hangin. I got scared because baka may complications yung miscarriage ko. I went to bed while Anika kept me company.  Anika called Alvin to tell him I’m sick and to go home na. Nasa barko pa ang Alvin so he asked my MIL to go to our house. I asked Anika to call Janis too kasi siya pinakamalapit. I was scared.

I drank paracetamol for my fever and medyo bumaba na siya. When Janis, Ka Lydia and Alvin arrived, sagana ako sa sermon. Bawal daw kumain ng malamig. Eh naubos ko yung half pint ng ice cream yesterday. Nagalit sila more when I told them nagpamasahe ako. I didn’t know na bawal! Ang sakit kasi ng mga kasukasuan ko that’s why I called for a massage. Hindi ko na sinabi na naka-intermittent fasting ako until yesterday baka magwarla sila. Don’t worry though, I’m eating properly now. They’re right. Complete rest talaga ang kailangan and proper nutrition.

However, since I had that episode last night, they are ordering me complete bed rest. Ang kulit ko daw, lakad daw ako ng lakad sa bahay parang supervisor. They said that I should avail the maternity leave kasi benefit ko yun. Ilan na ba maternity leave days ngayon? 2 months? No thank you. I will go crazy staying at home na ganito ka-lungkot. I bargained for 1 week and that’s it. I will stay home for 1 week to rest. That’s the most I can do. Actually, I was planning to go back to work on Monday na. But since I’m still bleeding and latang lata pa talaga ako, sige, magpapahinga ako. They told me that meron akong maternity benefit in SSS na makukuha. I asked magkano ba pinaguusapan natin.

Php 30,000 daw.

Sige kukunin ko yan. Ibibili ko ng bag. Babalutin ko ng lampin and gagawin kong baby.

Joke lang. Ang bitter ko kasi.

Alvin said nasisiraan na daw ako. He’s kidding but it feels like it though. Grief can make you weird.

I feel sad because Alvin didn’t allow me to go with him to Anika’s school to watch Anika’s dance contest today. We will also be forfeiting our passport appointment later this afternoon. Banned pa kami for 30 days from getting another passport renewal in DFA.

ME: Sayang talaga yung Php 2,500 eh

ALVIN: Kelan ka pa nanghinayang sa ganyan?

JANIS: Sayang Php 2,500? Hindi ka manghinayang sa gagastusin mo pagnabinat ka.

Yeah. May binat pala itong miscarriage because it’s as if nanganak ka din. Yun ang isa pang nakakabwisit dito. My body gets all the bad side effects of somebody who gave birth and yet wala namang baby. You should see my annoyed face now.

Anyway, thank you for all the messages that keep on coming. Nakakaoverwhelm din kasi technically we are strangers to each other and yet, grabe yung support niyo. Maraming maraming salamat. Meron din diyan na mga comments na medyo masakit and mga unsolicited advice na hindi talaga okay pero iniisip ko na lang that they mean well. My tips lang to people who want to say something to women who had a miscarriage:

1. Best to leave God out of it lalo na yung “Baka yan ang gusto ni God” kasi hindi talaga cool bakit yan ang gusto ni God for me and not for you.
2. Best sabihin na lang is “I don’t know what to say” or “There are no words to make you feel better” because that is the truth. Walang masasabi ang kahit sino para ikakaganda ng pakiramdam ng isang nanay na nakunan.

One of my long time online mommy friend sent me this and I think it’s beautiful.

What Makes a Mother

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked “What makes a Mother?”
And I know I heard Him say.
“A Mother has a baby”
This we know is true
“But God can you be a Mother,
When your baby’s not with you?”

“Yes, you can,” He replied
With confidence in His voice
“I give many women babies,
When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for the day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there’s no need to stay.”

“I just don’t understand this God
I want my baby to be here.”
He took a deep breath and cleared His throat,
And then I saw the tear.

“I wish I could show you,
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child’s smile,
With all the other children and say…

‘We go to Earth to learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh so much,
But I visit her every day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow’s where I lay

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
Mommy don’t be sad today,
I’m your baby and I’m here.’

“So you see my dear sweet ones,
your children are okay.
Your babies are born here in My home,
And this is where they’ll stay.

They’ll wait for you with Me,
Until your lesson’s through.
And on the day that you come home
they’ll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother,
It’s the feeling in your heart
it’s the love you had so much of
Right from the very start

Though some on earth may not realize,
you are a Mother.
Until their time is done.
They’ll be up here with Me one day
and know that you are the best one!”

Ganda, ano.. I cry every time I read it but it gives me comfort somehow.

I guess you all know na what happened. Kwento ko na lang dito yung details. By writing and sharing it, I feel that it helps me cope somehow. Looking back, this online diary has helped me go through the ups and downs that came to my life. Nagiging therapy ko itong small space in this blogging world so here it is so that the healing can finally begin.

Last Friday, I had my period pero sobrang hina. Parang patak patak lang. Then come Sunday, halos nawala na siya. Inasar pa ako ni Janis na baka nagmemenopause na ako. We laughed about it. I was surprised because when Monday arrived, lumakas na naman siya. Sabi ko shet, baka nga nagmemenopause na ako.

The whole day ng Tuesday, I had this terrible pain on the left side of my puson. I tried getting through it because we were going to report for Mancom that day. Thankfully, instead of reporting for usually 2-3 hours, less than hour lang yung mga pinareport. Hindi ako masyado matagal nagtiis ng masakit kong tagiliran sa harap. I asked my boss if I can go home na kasi ang sakit talaga nung tagiliran ako. I thought sa bato siya or sa appendices kaso left yung sumasakit eh right side talaga yun eh.

Anyway, I waited for Alvin at home kasi I told him if he can take me to the ER paguwi niya. Around 6pm, sumakit yung buong puson ko ng sobra. It’s the same terrible pain that I felt when I had my pre-term labor with Anika in 2010. Nakakamatay yung sakit.  Anika called Alvin to go home right away. Iniwan na ni Alvin yung meeting niya. When he got home, he consulted with our wedding ninang who is a doctor. Alvin told her na baka din sa stress because something at work stressed me so much last Monday. Oo daw. Pwede daw na ganun. Nagtrigger ang dysmenorrhea. They told me to drink mefanamic. Even though the pain was still permanently there, dahan dahan nagsubside siya ng slight and I fell asleep. I woke up na the next day.

The next day, may constant pain pa but it was bearable. Parang pain lang ng first day of menstruation so I didn’t think much about it. Nakapagwalkthrough pa ako sa dalawa naming projects.

I met up with Pineda and our high school friend after work to go to Antipolo to attend the wake of the father of one of our friends. At the wake, I changed sanitary pads twice kasi parang lumakas yung period ko. Naweirduhan ako ng slight because 5th day ko na pero parang 2nd day of menstruation pa din sa lakas ng flow. My period usually lasts lang for 3-4 days. Sabi ko baka nga kasi tumatanda na ako. We left the wake around 11pm. Nagpagpag kami at a gasoline station near Pineda’s house. I went to the toilet to change my pads.

Dun ko nakita yung malaki and thick meaty like thing na lumabas sa akin. It was sitting at the middle of my sanitary pad. It was so big that I called Pineda to show it to her. Sabi ko, hindi kaya ako nakunan? Pineda told me to wrap and bring it home para ipakita sa doctor. Sabi ko wala akong pang wrap so I took a photo of it na lang using my phone. And then I threw it away.

I was worried so I woke up Alvin when I got home to show it to him. Sabi niya nangyari na daw yun sa akin before. True naman pero hindi ganito ka-laki. I slept na after nun.

The next day, I watched Anika’s field demonstration at school then went straight to the OBGYN clinic that one of my amigas recommended. However, wala yung doctora. Ang nandun is yung OB na dad niya. Sabi ko okay lang kasi sayang naman yung leave ko if hindi ako makapagpatingin.

I waited for 2 hours there at Makati Med. The doctor had an urgent patient that was inside his clinic. Nabrowse ko na ata lahat ng mga Facebook and IG profiles ng lahat ng friends ko. Updated na din ako kay Fashion Pulis. A few minutes before mag 2 hours ako dun, sa sobrang bored ko, gumawa na ako ng mga Ask Me Anything eklaver sa IG stories. Sabi ko it will help me pass time. A few minutes after I posted it, natapos naman yung doctor dun sa patient niya. Lelz.

Finally, they asked me to go inside the clinic. The doctor asked me a lot of questions. He was very thorough. Then he asked if I brought yung thing that went out sa akin. Sabi ko picture lang. I showed it to him. Looks like I had miscarriage daw. If blood clots lang daw kasi, uniform dapat yung kulay. Yung sa akin, iba iba color. Laman talaga.

When I heard him say I had miscarriage, wala na. Tumulo na luha ko without me knowing it. I felt so sad. I was pregnant and I didn’t know?! I lost the baby na hindi ko man lang alam na buntis ako?! What did I do wrong?! I wished Alvin was there with me kasi I felt so alone. Natulala ako. Then napansin ko the doctor was asking me pala something. He was asking if gusto ko ba daw mabuntis. I told him that we have been trying for 7 years now. May mga sinabi pa siya but I honestly, cannot remember anymore. I went back to reality lang when he was giving me na instructions what to do.

He felt my uterus. Parang papsmear yung procedure. He said malambot daw yung hindi ko maalala kung ano yun. He really thinks I had miscarriage.

The doctor said that he needs to run some tests on me as added information. I had to get transvaginal ultrasound, urine test and blood test. Magpregnancy test din daw ako. Pero if it comes out negative, hindi din daw ibig sabihin na I didn’t get pregnant because baka naflush na yung mga hormones and hindi na makuha ng pregnancy test. Bawal daw ako kumain until he sees me and gives me the final diagnosis. May probability daw na iraspa ako.

Taena yan. Wala akong kasama.

After getting all the forms and lab requests, I went out of the clinic para umpisahan na yung mga ipapagawa. I called Alvin. Pigil na pigil yung iyak ko while talking to him. Pero the tears just kept falling. I couldn’t help it. I was trying to get a hold of myself. It was so emotionally painful and I was all alone there. Alvin told me to wait for him. Pupunta siya sa Makati Med from his office in Sta. Rosa.

So in a zombie-like trance, I had my ultrasound and laboratory tests. Anything related to pregnancy, hindi covered ng HMO card namin so I had to cash out. Every time nagaantay ako for whatever, natutulala ako. Then tutulo luha ko. Hindi ko maprocess fully everything.

It was only nung papunta na ako ng laboratory that I remembered na doctor pala sa Makati Med ang bilas ko. However, I didn’t call Tin anymore kasi feeling ko baka pagnakita ko siya, humagulgol ako ng wagas dun.

The ultrasound results came out first. After an hour pa yung lab results. I took the ultrasound reading to the doctor na kasi baka mamya hindi niya ako maantay and umuwi.

The OBGYN said that the ultrasound confirmed that I was pregnant and had miscarriage. Yung kanya daw kasi na observation kanina is based on experience. Kailangan backed up yun ng technical eklaver so yung ultrasound nga yun. He called the doctor who did the ultrasound and asked her if meron ba daw blah blah blah hormones sa left ovary ko. Dun niya kasi sinususpect nanggaling yung egg. The ultrasound doctor confirmed it.

“There you go. You don’t need the pregnancy tests anymore because confirmed na sa ultrasound that you were pregnant.”

Naglaban yung feeling ko na (1) 2,500 pesos talaga yung lab tests and hindi na pala kailangan and (2) nabuntis and nakunan nga ako.

Alvin was with me na that time so medyo hindi na ako nagfeel alone. The doctor said that this happens naman talaga. We can always try again. Next time, first week pa lang ng missed period, check up na agad. And if ma-delay ako, wag muna magboxing or rigorous exercise.

Alvin and I met up with Paul and Tin at one of the restaurants after nun. I appreciate that they took time para kamustahin kami.

We went home after.

I asked if we were going to tell Anika about it. Wag na daw sabi ni Alvin. She never knew naman I was pregnant tapos baka damdamin niya yung loss. What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her. Pagmalaki na lang daw siya namin ikwento.

Janis and Mark visited us last night. They kept us company kasi ang lungkot talaga. When they left, natulala ako and then I cried. I cried a lot and it felt like hindi ako titigil. Ang sama talaga ng loob ko. I felt so bitter. In between heaving and sobbing, I told Alvin na ang mean naman kasi na bibigyan ka ng something you wanted for the longest time then kukunin din from you. Sobrang sakit ng feeling. Para kang pinagtripan ng tadhana.

To be honest, I wish I can tell you that okay lang ako. I wish I can tell you na nagpapakatatag ako. I can’t eh. Gusto ko maghalandusay kaka-iyak. Gusto kong sumigaw na ang unfair! I wish this pain of longing, guilt, heartache, unhappiness and grief will go away. It hurts so bad. Yung mga tao after malaman na I had miscarriage, nagmove on na with their lives. Ako nandito, stuck and feeling all the pain. Nanay kasi eh.

Matindi tinding looking at the brighter side ang kailangan.

Ang gusto ko na lang isipin is at least we have Anika na. She is more than enough and we love her very, very much.

Thank you for all your messages. Hindi man ako makareply, I want you to know that I really appreciate them.

I often hear girls saying na depressed daw sila. When I eavesdrop further (sorry), depressed daw sila because they can’t find anything to wear that day or depressed daw sila because hindi daw sila pinapansin ni churva eklaver.

Depressed agad? Hindi ba pwedeng, sad muna?

Ladies, depression is a mental illness. It is not an emotion. You will not want to be depressed, believe me. Isusumpa niyo yung feeling. Sadness is an emotion. It’s okay to be sad. It is not normal if you do not feel or have never felt sadness in your life. So malamang if you are still functioning very well physically, emotionally and mentally, malamang sad ka lang. You are not depressed. If you are depressed, you need to seek help immediately otherwise, it will worsen. It can take your life too, if not treated.

Here are some of the symptoms of depression from the American Psychiatric Association Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. I got it from this website.

1. feeling depressed throughout each day on most or all days
2. lack of interest and enjoyment in activities you used to find pleasurable
3. trouble sleeping, or sleeping too much
4. trouble eating, or eating too much, coupled with weight gain or weight loss
5. irritability, restlessness, or agitation
6. extreme fatigue
7. unwarranted or exaggerated feelings of guilt or worthlessness
8. inability to concentrate or make decisions
9. suicidal thoughts or actions, or thinking a lot about death and dying

Sa mga clueless until now, lemme repeat it, there are a lot of risk factors for depression. From the same website, I shall repost the list here:

• early childhood or teenage trauma
• inability to cope with a devastating life event, such as the death of a child or spouse, or any situation that causes extreme levels of pain
• low self-esteem
• family history of mental illness, including bipolar disorder or depression
• history of substance abuse, including drugs and alcohol
• lack of family or community acceptance for identifying as lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender (LGBT).
• trouble adjusting to a medical condition, such as cancer, stroke, chronic pain, or heart disease
• trouble adjusting to body changes due to catastrophic injury, such as loss of limbs, or paralysis
• history of prior mental health disorders, including anorexia, bulimia, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), or anxiety disorder
• lack of a support system, such as friends, family, or coworkers

Depression also may be a side effect of some medicines: meds that reduce your blood pressure (beta blockers), meds that provide relief from swelling, redness, itching, and allergic reactions (corticosteroids), hormonal meds and meds that treats high cholesterol (statins).

Minsan din, walang trigger. Like mine before. I was happy and I didn’t have any problems. Then BAM! Nagkadepression ako.

Malalaman mo if you should seek treatment already if you are feeling extreme sadness, or if you are feeling the 9 symptoms in the first list I showed you, for more than two weeks na. Ayan, hindi na talaga healthy yan. Best to see a specialist immediately. They will counsel you and give you suggestions on the changes you can do in your life that can help you overcome depression. One of the best suggestions out there is to simplify your life in the best way you can. Hindi kailangan maging complicated. Hindi kailangang sobrang busy. Hindi kailangang stressful. Manage your expectations. And then pray.

If you have a loved one or know someone who says they have depression, utang na loob, wag niyong sasabihan ng “Wala yan!” or “Lilipas din yan.” or worse, “Drama mo lang yan.”. Gusto kong suntukin yung mga taong ganyan, promise. I’ve said it a million times. Mental illnesses are very hard to explain to people who do not have it. Ang pangit naman sabihin na sana meron din kayo para ma-gets niyo yung may mga ganito, di ba? What you can do is to read more about it. Educate yourselves about it. Be there for your loved one.

If wala kayong time gawin yun, then shut the hell up. You might be able to save a life.

Bow.

References:
https://www.healthline.com/health/depression/depression-vs-sadness#takeaway
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201510/the-important-difference-between-sadness-and-depression

Sometimes, every now and then, napapatigil talaga ako with what I’m doing because I think about how fast Anika is growing. Ang bilis and she amazes us with her personality everyday.

One of the things that I always think about is alam kaya niya how much I love her. Alam kaya niya that despite being busy, she is always in my mind? Alam kaya niya that everything I’m doing now, lagi lagi may kinalaman sa kanya? And alam kaya niya that she has made me a better person since God gave her to us?

On our way to her dance class kanina, we were singing with gusto along with the songs in the Pitch Perfect soundtrack. Bigay na bigay kami. It was so much fun. If only I could freeze that scenario and video it, I would. I wanted to be reminded of these moments forever. Tuwang tuwa talaga kami mag-ina sa sarili namin kanina.

And then out of the blue, she asked me to play the song Better Place of Rachel Platten. One time kasi, in the car pa din, she heard the song. I told her that it’s one of my favorite songs. Nagustuhan siguro kaya she made me play it from my Spotify.

So I did.

She sang along and then said, “Nanay, this is making my cry.”. Ayun she was singing and the same time, tears were falling from her eyes.

ME: Is this song making you sad?

ANIKA: No, Nanay. It’s really nice. I love it.

She held my hand.

ANIKA: Can this be our song na lang? Not na the I Love You song of Barney because that’s for kids naman.

ME: Sure, sweetheart.

And then we sang along with the song. Naluha din ako. Naluluha ako ngayon just thinking about it. Here’s the lyrics of the song para makarelate kayo. The video’s at the bottom too. It’s a beautiful song and I am very touched Anika thought about me when she listened to it. I know that from now on, she will never forget me everytime she hears it <3

BETTER PLACE by Rachel Platten